Sharing finances

A much requested post (at least from comments in other blogs…).

What if you don’t have one money pool for all your money… what do you do?

Figuring this out is a work in progress.  I’ve been through many systems with various roommates, housemates, and, of course, my dear partner.

The I-Love-You-But-Baby-Needs-Bank Way

Currently, my partner and I have a shared spreadsheet in Google docs.  There is a separate sheet for each month.  There are rows for all our recurring expenses: rent, power, gas, water, sewer, trash, cable (includes phone, TV, and internet), misc things.  There are columns for: how much the bill was; how much I paid; how much he owes (usually half of the bill but in some cases we have other arrangements); how much he paid; and how much he has left over to pay at the end of the month.  Occasionally he gives me a check.  We would do a direct transfer or share a bank account, but we happen to have had different banks for years, and neither of us wants to switch.   So we’re stuck with the tedious deposit-a-check method.  I used to have PayPal set up, but I decided I didn’t want them to have access to my checking account anymore.

He buys most of the groceries, but not all.  Sometimes I pay for half the groceries, which has its own line in the spreadsheet.  Then we just take money off what he owes me for the utilities.  Utilities are in my name because I set them up before he moved into the state.

We’ve started talking about saving together for a house, but that can be the subject of another post.

The Share Everything Way

We can’t do this.  We have fundamentally different attitudes about money, both of which are fine.  Both of us live within our means, pay the bills, save for retirement.  We are both responsible.  But when he spends a bunch of his money that he earned on stuff like games or comic books, the amount tends to stress me out and worry me, even though it is really fine.  For my sanity and for the sake of us not arguing, we have separate finances even though we have been together for over 15 years.  We probably always will have some separation; I don’t mind having his-and-hers accounts, though his, hers, and theirs might be easier.

#2 does it this way.  When #2 got partnered up neither she nor her partner had any assets, they had approximately the same tiny salaries, and #2’s partner had no head for finances.  #2’s partner gets an allowance for his fun spending and #2 takes care of everything else (though #2’s partner has been putting in a lot more input over the years as he’s gotten more comfortable with the idea of finances).  #2’s parents have his, hers, and ours accounts, and #2 thought she would have that too, but that hasn’t been necessary (just like she doesn’t need separate home offices like her parents have).

The Super-Fair (but Tedious) Way

In college, I lived for a while in a rented house with a bunch of roommates.  We split rent and utilities evenly, but not food.  Our system for food use and accounting was extremely tedious but very fair.  The parameters were that anyone could eat any food they found in the house (unless you wanted to save something for a reason, in which case put a note on it).  Everyone shopped for whatever food they wanted.  When you bought food, you would put the receipt with your name on it in an envelope on the frig.

Every once in a while, we would reconcile the grocery bills.  This required going through each receipt with all members of the household.  Let’s say we would take a receipt for food that I bought.  We would go through each item on there, and report who ate or used that item, and we would split it among those people.  Like, a box of pasta at $1.29, and three people ate it, so we would split $1.29 three ways and each of the other two people would owe me 43 cents.  We would write down that.  For each item, some people would owe me some money.  After adding all my receipts, we’d know how much the roommates owed me.  Then we went to their receipts.  I ate some of the food they bought too, so I would owe them some.  Then at the very end we would calculate the totals that everyone owed everyone and exchange checks.  It took a while, but nobody felt taken advantage of!

We’d love your input too!  What methods do you use or have you heard about?

65 Responses to “Sharing finances”

  1. Kellen Says:

    Good grief – the super fair but tedious way would never have lasted with any of my roommates…

    My boyfriend and I don’t live together, but we usually do all our meals together on weekends. Typically, if we already have food in our houses, we’ll share without issue. If we go out and shop for a meal, or go to starbucks, we kind of take turns paying and kind of keep mental track, but it’s not at all exact, and still becomes and issue for me if we manage to spend a huge amount on groceries for one dinner… (which happens since we get all the dinner food at whole foods.)

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      What method(s) did/do you use with your roommates?

      • Kellen Says:

        Haha, well…

        We split all bills evenly, and then all just buy our own food and don’t share 99% of the time. My roommate and I tried to share milk once, but I just drink milk in my tea, and she drinks it by the glass, so everytime I wanted a little bit for my tea it would already be empty and it would somehow be my turn to buy again… so I just stopped using milk at all.

      • Kellen Says:

        In my current house, we got around the ridiculousness of not sharing milk by having 1 roommate drink skim, one drink 2%, and one drink whole milk, but really, milk works so much better when more than one person is drinking it, since it goes bad so quickly after opening…

      • nicoleandmaggie Says:

        Sour milk can be used in pancakes… but that might end up being a lot of pancakes.

  2. Dame Eleanor Hull Says:

    We each put a fixed percentage of our gross income into a joint account from which household/shared expenses are paid: mortgage, utilities, groceries, vet bills. There is a separate credit card, with both our names on it, for such expenses, paid out of the joint account. The rest of our money is separate. It’s fair and it’s easy.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Do you also do a fixed amount with saving? Like with pensions/401(K)?

      • Rosa Says:

        We do the fixed amount into a joint account (with changes to what the % is, depending on who’s working how much & who’s doing childcare how much) but we coincidentally both already saved quite a bit for retirement (20% and 25%) so have left that alone. If one of us were not saving at least in the double digits we would have had to come to sort of agreement on it.

  3. Dr. Virago Says:

    OMG, I thought Bullock and I were weird, but what you describe in the “I love-you-but-baby-needs-bank way” is *exactly* how we do it — right down to his doing most of the grocery shopping — and we’ve been together for 8 years! (Although what Bullock spends money on is digital camera equipment. Also, kitchen gadgets of immense proportions and cost, but we share that, since we both benefit from it.) Nice to know we’re not the lone “I really don’t need to know what you do with your money” weirdos out there.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      #2 doesn’t need to know what her partner does with his money– that’s why he has an allowance. But the amount of his discretionary money is much smaller than #1’s partner’s and he isn’t in charge of his own savings, as that comes out of general funds.

  4. bloggerclarissa Says:

    My husband and I have separate finances for the same reasons you outlined in this post. We calculated what all of our bills come to, divided the amount in half, I pay them bills each months, and he transfers his half into my account. As for grocery shopping, we take turns in paying them.

    This system has worked perfectly for us for the entire time of our relationship, and we have never had a single discussion about money. To me, this is priceless because I know what it feels like to be in a relationship where you have endless arguments about money.

  5. nicoleandmaggie Says:

    #2 suddenly feels guilty for that time she visited #1 and ate the super nummy quiche that #1’s roommate made… she should have contributed to that (so as not to upset the delicate financial accounting)!

  6. Seeking Solace Says:

    Husband and I have been married for 19 years. We have one house account in which we both contribute a percentage of our income to cover house expenses. Husband makes WAY more than I do, so we make the percentage split fair, so that I can save as much as I can.

    We each have our own accounts for our own spending. We also have “financial summits” quarterly to discuss where we are.

    Now, that works for us. We can communicate openly about money and are on the same page with our goals and spending. I guess that’s the key to it all.

  7. Linda Says:

    My ex-husband and I started out with a fairly tedious system where each person’s share of monthly expenses were split based on percentage of income. I just let him figure it out as it was too complicated for me. We kept our separate accounts, although I advocated for a joint account, too. After a few years our incomes equalized so we switched to a simpler system where he paid the mortgage and taxes and I paid everything else. We still did not have any joint accounts, just our personal accounts. Then one day I realized he had roughly $30k in his checking account. While he said it was the emergency fund, I pointed out that was not good money management to have it sitting in his personal checking account. So we came up with a compromise. After five years of marriage, we finally opened up two joint accounts: a money market account for the emergency fund, and a checking account for the bills. While we did transfer balanced amounts to the emergency fund account, he never used the joint checking account. He thought it was too much trouble for the one check he wrote every month (mortgage plus tax escrow); every once in a while we’d each transfer excess funds into the joint money market fund. We built up a lot of cash since we had simple lifestyles and good incomes, but it always bugged me that it was just sitting there not earning much interest.

    Having separate accounts didn’t have much impact on us during the divorce. Illinois is a community property state, so it didn’t matter if money was sitting in my account, his account, or a joint account; any assets we built up during the marriage were still considered community property. And having so much cash on hand also made it easy for me to buy him out of the home equity.

    My current roommates pay me a flat fee every month for rent and utilities because it’s easier that way for me. Since I’m the homeowner/landlord, any “loss” I have on this arrangement is written off when I file my income taxes. We don’t share groceries because we have vastly different eating styles.

    This week I’m getting a new roommate (my boyfriend) and the current roomies are moving out. I will continue the rent/utilities arrangement with my BF, but we’ll have to figure something out for groceries.

  8. Courtney Says:

    Huh. We just have shared finances. It’s all one big pool of money, we pay all the bills, we each get a reasonable personal allowance (he buys video games and lunches out during the week, I buy clothes). We also have a joint entertainment allowance (dinners, winery trips, movies, etc) and a vacation budget. Everything else goes to various savings. Everyone’s happy.

    I always wonder how people who keep completely separate finances will manage once they’re retired? Like, if one person saves a bunch of their salary and one person only saves a little bit – will the former be going on vacations alone while the latter stays home to clip coupons for their groceries?

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      That’s what #2 does.

    • Kaylen Ricker Says:

      I wonder the same thing – if it’s not all “our” money, then what do you do when you’re no longer making income? What if one partner completely screws up and saves nothing? My husband and I still have separate checking/savings from before we were married, but we are planning a merge soon. And because we have our money separated in 4 different accounts, we talk about money all the time. We keep each other updated daily on where we’re at, what bills we’re paying etc. It ends up working out 50/50 anyway so there’s no reason not to merge. Also, merging keeps us accountable – he knows I’ll be pissed if he spends $800 on a tablet pc and I know he’ll be pissed if I spend $800 on a new wardrobe. We’re accountable to each other, so we keep it reasonable for the sake of the other person. Soon, we’re planning to merge, then live on one income and pay off the house with the other, then throw as much into retirement savings as we can. If we didn’t consider it “our” money, I don’t think we’d do well living on only one person’s income!

      • nicoleandmaggie Says:

        We each save enough so that we each can retire solely on our own income. I make less than him, so I’m budgeting retirement like I’ll never get any money from him and must rely only on my own salary. That probably won’t be true but it’s safer.

  9. Cloud Says:

    We do the his, hers and ours account approach. We worked out a fair amount of our paychecks to transfer to the “ours” accounts and set this up to happen automatically. We pay all bills out of the shared account, and also do the bulk of our saving in shared accounts. We also buy necessities like clothes out of our shared accounts. We can each do whatever we want with our personal accounts. The idea was that we could use those accounts for purchases the other partner might argue with… but in practice, our approach to money is very similar, so we end up buying most things with our shared accounts and just using the personal accounts for gifts. I do have some personal savings, though. That just makes me feel better. You know, in case my husband is taken over by aliens and runs off with all of our shared accounts, at least I’ll have enough money for food….

  10. Alyssa Says:

    All our accounts our shared, so everything is one pool of money. We don’t keep track of who spends what. We have a spreadsheet of our regular monthly expenses, and agree on a monthly amount for entertainment, groceries, gas, and what to put into savings. We also decide at the beginning of the month if we need to make a big purchase that month, and where that money will come out of.

  11. oilandgarlic Says:

    We basically share because as your reader Courtney said, I always figured it wouldn’t matter “in the end”. If I save a lot and he spent, I’m still going to help my spouse in retirement. It’s not like I can travel and splurge because I saved in my account while he didn’t. A friend of mine kept it separate but her husband racked up debt or borrowed to pay his “share”. In the end, his debt also affected her savings/spending anyway.

    As for roommates, we definitely did not share food! It would have been too much of a headache if you’re trying to make a recipe and think you have all the ingredients only to realize that a roommate ate it all just hours before. We also had to split the phone bill — a major headache that kids today don’t have to deal with thanks to cellphones!

  12. BigLittleWolf Says:

    So glad you stopped by my site! (Happy to have discovered you.)

    So often, couples (married or not) don’t realize how big a deal money issues can become. The philosophy of spending money, at least as much as how you manage it. (I wish I’d realized this before I married and not after.)

    Personally, I’ve found that separate finances have advantages, with a certain designation of yours, mine, and ours – as long as you work out a sharing mechanism that is equitable and usable by both. When one has more variable expenses than the other, problems will arise. When one feels freer to spend on him/herself than the other, again, problems will arise.

    Unfortunately, it isn’t until divorce that some of us see where we went awry in both philosophy and management of money. These are topics that ought to be discussed with children when they’re at an appropriate age – earning money, managing money, the (emotional) pain of debt, philosophies of spending.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Mutant Supermodel is awesome.

    • Sandy @ Journey To Our Home Says:

      I wish I would have known more about my Hubby’s money habits before we got married and combined finances. It is definitely something I tell my younger family members is extremely important.
      We are definitely one of those couples that didn’t realize how big a deal money issues can become!

      • nicoleandmaggie Says:

        It is never too late to fix things!

      • Kaylen Ricker Says:

        Yes! My hubby used to spend a lot of money on books, cd’s, video games, computer parts, going out to eat, etc because he had paid off his college debt and felt he deserved it. Once we got together and it became “our finances”, I had to train him back to living frugal because I’m still paying off my debt ($25k gone, $7k to go!). When we were first dating I didn’t realize it would make me crazy to pinch pennies while he was always treating himself, but it did. I told him I couldn’t deal with it, and then we went to a system where he’d treat all of us (my son, myself and him) once in awhile and we lived frugally the rest of the time. It ended up working out awesome, but only because we talked about it.

        You can always talk about it and make changes to fix it!

  13. GMP Says:

    We have his, hers, and ours and it works well for the most part (we transfer money to each other through the joint savings). It’s not entirely equitable though, but my salary is substantially higher. I pay the mortgage, all the groceries, eating out, childcare expenses, and gas/electricity. I don’t put anything on the savings though, all the money we save comes from his account. He also pays the phone/internet and takes care of car payments and the home and car insurance.

    Just like you, we will never have one pool of money, because I freak out about how much he spends on electronic gadgets and he gives me a hard time about spending money on coffee or lunch (he always brings his from home, I never do). I don’t want to see all his little purchases because then we fight and I always think we should be saving more. This way at least my blood pressure is stable. Thankfully, we have enough money so we can afford to be cavalier about the little spending idiosyncrasies; we would probably have a problem if money were tighter.

  14. bogart Says:

    Interesting stuff. Philosophically, we use the “it’s all ours” approach and I have to say that within a relationship intended as a lifetime commitment I can’t really see how anything else would work (though see below). Implementation-wise, we are kind of careless (or are we carefree?); he pays some bills, I pay others, we have both shared and separate accounts (the structure, if you can call it that, reflects more path dependency than logic), we juggle over time as needed.

    Perhaps what I love most about my marriage is the knowledge/belief that whether whatever just happened or is just about to happen is “fair” or not, on average, our relationship is very fair and we each make appropriate contributions as necessary. I don’t mean that just or even mostly about money, but it applies.

    Something I haven’t seen explicitly addressed in the above is — what do you do about kids (if applicable, obviously)? I think our approach incorporates them more or less seamlessly; their place in others is less intuitive to me. For us, that wasn’t just “how will we support the kids we may have,” it was “how do we provide for his existing kids from his prior marriage?” (See above for answer)

    We’re rewriting our wills as I realized they’d been drafted incorrectly (!) and I am stumbling a bit on this. One big point of difference between us is whether we want to leave an inheritance (me: yes; him: no), and I am puzzling over whether or not I want to set up something to ensure this regardless of who predeceases whom. For now, I’m leaning toward no, but this is the one place where “it’s all ours” leaves me puzzling a bit over just how committed I am to that.

    • bogart Says:

      Oh, darn, and I forgot — your roommate system? Wow, that’s, um, amazing. The only system I’ve ever used with roommates is, “1. Buy and eat mostly your own stuff, but; 2. Feel free to help yourself to my stuff and; 3. Don’t take the last of anything (or if you do, replace it).” That’s worked with the ones I’ve had …

      • nicoleandmaggie Says:

        re: kids… some SAHM I have known have major spending problems, usually related to Gymboree. They don’t spend anything on themselves, but spend a lot of time and more money than they can afford on their kids. Generally because they didn’t have great childhoods and want the best for their kids and they look so cute is that too much to ask. Well… on one income sometimes it is.

    • bogart Says:

      Yeah, we had (or avoided, depending on your perspective) some issues with supporting my stepkids. Not between us per se but DH’s ex — the deal was we (as households) split all costs 50/50 through college.

      At least the kids were too old for Gymboree :) !

      My own perception of myself is that I am much better than either DH or exDW at looking 2 moves ahead. So that for example when the older stepkid got provided a car in college (at our expense, not to purchase — it was a hand-me-down — but to insure and maintain and put gas in, expenses I would not have covered had I been the decider) that was semi-OK but looking ahead, providing a car to each kid while in college was a noticeable extra expense that was a real burden. Not, IMO justified, but I decided (see above re: avoiding) that part of co-parenting across households is “sucking it up,” so I did.

      Also one of my 2 stepkids has a chronic health problem that meant no access to individual health insurance policies, a real need for health insurance, and above-average legitimate concerns about whether the coverage available via hir grad school would be enough if a real problem developed (no). Yet I was the only one of the 3 of us who put any thought into — oh gee, here is something (expensive!) we really do need to plan for and be able to help with. Fortunately we were able to do so, but paying for COBRA coverage twice (grad school, pre-employment, and between employment) was a noticeable hit to our budget. Well worth it, but a hit, all the same.

      Happily, once college ended we quit coordinating (with the ex) on assisting the kids. That did mean we covered the health insurance solo, but at least we now get to be the deciders.

      • nicoleandmaggie Says:

        I never really understood the parents of my high school friends who bought them a 20K or more car to take to college but wouldn’t pay for them to actually go to college because they “couldn’t afford it.” Somehow the fancy car is more important than the education, or apparently, gap health insurance.

      • bogart Says:

        Weird. I mean, we scrambled, but we did also cover the important stuff.

        In fairness, neither of my stepkids’ cars was worth anything to speak of; indeed, one of my concerns was that the younger kid’s car wasn’t safe to drive. That’s an overstatement, but if we had lined up all cars from safest to least safe it certainly wasn’t toward the top end. Mind you, the same goes for the car I drove in college and grad school (which I bought, insured, and maintained myself).

      • Kaylen Ricker Says:

        I had friends in college whose parents did the “we’ll provide a car but you pay for your own education” bit. VERY backwards, especially since if you lived on campus at my school you didn’t need a car!

  15. First Gen American Says:

    Our money approach needs an overhaul. It was fine when it all went to debt reduction and retirement savings, but now that we have a surplus I feel like I need to have more access to my significant other’s cash. He just tends to keep it in a regular bank account making no interest and it’s driving me a little bananas. On the flipside, it’s not like there are any great cd rates right now either. Still noodling my way through it. It’ll be my new year’s resolution to have a plan in place and fewer accounts.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Talking about where to funnel extra money can be a fun talk!

      Sadly not a talk we’ve been able to have for a few years… of course, we still have mortgage and retirement savings accounts that haven’t been exhausted. After that, 529, then taxable accounts and charitable spending.

    • Linda Says:

      Yeah, that *can* be a fun talk, but be prepared for the other option, too. With my ex, as we continued to build up extra money I would ask: Why? What are our goals? He never had an answer beyond “Saving is good,” and didn’t want to talk about it. He just liked to sit on money. Maybe it made him feel safe that he had easy access to so much cash; I can only guess.

      I definitely learned some good money habits from him, both by modeling him and not modeling him. BTW, shortly after our divorce, he shared an anecdote with me about making a big mistake when writing a check. He had to issue a co-pay to the doctor and instead of writing the check for $20 or $200 (I can’t recall which it was) he wrote the check for $20,000. And yes, he had enough in the checking account to cover that blunder. He told me that he recalled me telling him to stop letting so much money accumulate in his checking account and he’s realized that I was right. Duh.

  16. Well Heeled Blog Says:

    I am getting married soon, and I think what will work for us is separate accounts but joint finances. Getting married in California (i.e. community property state) means that everything we make during the term of the marriage is essentially “ours”, regardless of how we split stuff. The thing I don’t understand about separate finances is what happens when you retire or one of you get sick? If Spouse #1 has $3 million in retirement assets and Spouse #2 has $100K, the practical matter is that the couple has $3.1 million together. Unless Spouse #1 is content to vacation alone and have Spouse #2 work at the grocery store. Maybe the answer is that by that time, Spouse #1 will be footing the majority of retirement expenses.

    The bottom line: If both spouses are making decisions about earning, spending, and investing as a unit, with expectations and obligations on both sides, I think they have JOINT FINANCES. Even if the accounts are separate.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      It is good to share long-term goals. But also good to have some method that people can buy a reasonable amount of what they want without having to consult anyone about it or harming joint financial goals.

      So #1 has separate accounts for “own money” and #2 has an allowance system.

    • Courtney Says:

      I agree. I should add that we do have my paycheck going into one account and his paycheck going into a different account, but both our names are on both accounts and it’s really only for ease of where the money ultimately ends up.

      But our system has worked for us for 8.5 years and counting, and is the same now that we’re making roughly equal salaries as it was when I was in grad school and making 1/3 of what hubs made.

      • nicoleandmaggie Says:

        Joint finances but separate accounts is a good way to think about it. The way I usually think about it, I may have less cash in my name, but I have social capital: I have relationships with people (partner, family, friends) who will give or loan me money if I need it. Therefore in that sense my partner’s money is “mine” because if I need something and can’t afford it, I can count on him to kick in for it. But in that case we would talk about it. Also I almost never need something I can’t afford. I have enough money to live on mine by myself; his is just buffer. No plans for kids, so that’s easy.

  17. Melissa Says:

    On the surface, our system is pretty easy: rent, household expenses (think stamps, cleaners, etc), and utilities is split 50-50. But then we have arrangements, like he pays for our once-a-month rental car and the amount I pay on the broadband depends on my income that month. More broadly, as well, I am responsible for long-term finances and he is responsible for short-term. That way, I can build up a savings account and when his fixed income doesn’t cover something he can borrow from me and pay it back the next month.

  18. John Says:

    My ex and I averaged our monthly bills and savings (averaged due to variability in things like fuel, food, shared entertainment, etc), added a reasonable margin to cover fluctuations, and then based on the leftover from that, established an equal monthly allowance for each of us for personal do-what-you-wish money, which we each put into our own separate accounts. We both felt a degree of autonomy was a good idea. Whenever a surplus built up in our joint checking, we discussed what to do with it and if we couldn’t come up with anything, we simply split it evenly between us. Prior to this arrangement, we fought over money like any other couple. After establishing that arragnement, money was rarely an issue.

    One might object that it’s hardly fair to split money evenly when one might make more than the other, but really… did you marry for money or for love?

  19. Leah Says:

    My fiance and I keep our finances separate, mostly. Currently I pay a little over half the estimated rent and utilities to my fiance and from that and his own funds he pays the bills. We both buy groceries, usually me more than him. And we both eat out, though he eats out more tan I do and pays if we are out together. He says he doesn’t mind as he knows he makes more than I do.

    We plan after we are married to get a joint account and have a set amount of money auto-deposited into it from our separate paychecks to pay for joint household expenses. And after we are married I will be the one writing the checks from our joint account to pay the household bills. We will still keep our other finances separate, although we likely will continue not keeping track of who pays how much for food and fun outings.

  20. Sandy @ Journey To Our Home Says:

    Thanks for the link- I really appreciate it.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      I had no idea we’d get linked to by GRS (I would have queued more interesting stuff this week!) In case you’re wondering about all those extra hits you’re getting– we don’t usually get quite that high a readership.

  21. Shawn G Says:

    It’s fun to read how different couples keep their finances. Especially because I could not imagine doing it the way some people do, but I’m glad that it works for them.

    My wife and I combined our finances when we got married and haven’t looked back. Sure there were growing pains early on, but we’ve been married long enough that we are on the same financial page. Now that we are expecting our first child I’m glad that it is OUR finances. She is going to stay home and take care of our baby, and I am going to financially support us. If it were not our finances, I’m not sure it would work.

  22. Welcome Simple Dollar Readers! « Grumpy rumblings of the untenured Says:

    [...] Different methods of sharing finances, whether with a loved one or simply a housemate. [...]

  23. Spare Change: Missing Person Edition Says:

    [...] Grumpy Rumblings, Nicole (or Maggie — I can never tell who is writing) has some thoughts on how couples share finances. We’ve covered this topic a lot at GRS in the past, but it’s always interesting to read [...]


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