Dear students: Final exam grumpies!

  • If the instructions say, “Do not do X,” please do not ask me, “Should I do X?”  Also:  don’t do X.
  • Related:  If you do X anyway, and it lowers your grade, shut yer piehole.
  • Related:  If the instructions say, “Do Z,” then you should do Z.
  • Also related:  I am currently fuming at the American Education System.  Specifically Whole Language.  When am I going to see readers again?
  • If your final project would make a crappy blog, then it is also going to make a crappy final project.
  • I don’t care that the restaurant needs all its waiters for some university banquet.  You still have to show up for your final exam.  Or not, but you make the decision between paycheck and zero on the final exam.  Choices = consequences.  Especially if you can’t make the make-up time either.
  • Also, you’re not skipping Dr. Hardass’s final, so they can’t be that desperate for workers.
  • That term you are using, it does not mean what you think it means.  Read chapter 1 and try asking that question again with different words.
  • Please stop emailing me.
  • Fine, snorkwranglers, take this.
  • Don’t turn your exam in way early if you’re just going to get things wrong.  Take the time to get things right.  Your grader will appreciate it.
  • Dear self, you have to finish your water before you can have another coke.
  • No, no, a group final is not a “great idea,” and yes, there was harm in asking because now I’m annoyed.  Especially since you all did such crappy jobs on your group projects.
  • Please stop emailing me.
  • Final exams were due an hour ago.  I have a zillion students, several of whom want to chat.  So no, I don’t have yours graded yet.
  • The day after the final exam is too late to protest your grade on Exam 1 from 3 months ago.
  • Stop emailing me, you weasel-brained motesnorters.

22 Responses to “Dear students: Final exam grumpies!”

  1. First Gen American Says:

    Feel better now? I hope so.

    Your students should feel lucky to have such specific instructions, Do z but don’t do x. I don’t recall having that kind of luxury.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Oh, the grade complaints… #2 doesn’t even want to hear other people complain about it…I think she’s suffering from PTSD.

      I got one of these last night:
      “I only missed grade Y by 0.5%!” No… you only missed grade Y by 6% (yes, your grade would be higher if showing up to class was worth 25% of your grade rather than 5% of your grade). Given this was an upper level math class, your inability to calculate a weighted grade makes me wonder if you even deserved grade Y!

      • Karen Says:

        Until I get an email that says “I don’t think I really deserve that A, because I was soooo close to a B, so please give me a B” I reserve the right to ignore all emails that want the reverse.

  2. bardiac Says:

    Have you graded our final yet? Can I talk to you about my grade on the first assignment? Can I rewrite my paper for a better grade? Is there an extra credit assignment I could do to make up for missing the assignment that was worth 25%? I could write a two page paper!


  3. Foscavista Says:

    What drives me up the wall is when students expect non-math professors to be mathematicians. When I am asked “What do I have to get on the final exam to pass the class?”, I respond with “Do you really want that pressure on you while taking the exam?”

    All your grades have been dutifully posted on Blackboard. You know how the weighted grade is calculated. Figure it out yourself! If not, visit the math department! If you can’t conjugate irregular verbs into the preterit tense, then I am your man!

  4. Spanish Prof Says:

    I love the ones who do half the assignments they are supposed to do (for example, they skip a 3 page reaction paper in English to a cultural event they have to attend that is worth 5% of their final grade), and then come at the end of the semester asking if I could give them an extra credit assignment. Geezz…

  5. pvcccourses Says:

    Heeeeee! This post should go viral.

    Maybe I’ll just steal it and post on Blackboard. Oh wait…no, that wouldn’t be nice, would it?

    One of my favorite students, an uproarious little pistol, had an A going into the final paper, weighted three times what any other assignment was worth. Turned in a masterpiece of plagiarism–two days late. I flunked her on it. She had a kitten, claimed she was so upset she threw up, because she would NEVER cheat!!!!! Got a D in the course — only the vast array of extra-credit points she’d accrued saved her from an F.

    Chair thinks she may appeal. I can hardly wait.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Ugh, plagiarists are the worst, especially ones that don’t own up and try to make trouble for you. But so far I’ve never seen a situation where a plagiarist who got caught got any more out of the exchange than annoying the professor and taking up administrative time. If they spent as much time on the original assignment as they did on trying to prove they didn’t cheat…(or that the professor did other things unfairly)…

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      You have our permission to repost this post wherever you want… that’s what the creative commons license is for! Plus, we love to crush students’ dreams.

  6. Dr. O Says:

    If you don’t know the answer to an essay question, either leave it blank, or write something humorous. Please don’t make me read through a bunch of boring crap that is mind-numbingly idiotic and completely WRONG!

  7. Suba Says:

    So have you graded? Did I pass :P ?

    This is funny! My husband’s finals just got over yesterday. It was supposed to be a take home but some idiot copied the whole final assignment/project from someone else, the Prof. changed the final from take home to in-class, one week before the finals. That person made everyone else change the plans…

  8. Sandy H Says:

    Love to see this from the professors point of view. Hang in there- it will all be over soon!!

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