And I mean teasing in the sense where you think you’re going to get something nice but it’s all a lie.
There’s something professional that I really really want. It would help my career and make life easier and be a big boost reputation-wise in the profession. A lot of my colleagues (not in my department, but in the greater community) have it… but I made some incompatible choices, ended up at a place that isn’t a top 10 school, and although I have been productive and have impressive publications, they’re not tippity top… I’m in the potential pool of candidates with a mass of people who are qualified but not obviously must-have contenders.
This year on a schedule, there was something written suggesting I’d gotten this thing. But on the official page, there was nothing. Finally I made a phone call and it turned out to be a typo. Some folks just assume I’ve got this, hence the typo. But I don’t. So I don’t have access to the professional benefits that come with it.
I wouldn’t be feeling bummed right now if it weren’t that they’d dangled the possibility in front of me that this could actually happen this year. All my hard work might have paid off. This could be my year, and it would be an excellent year for it, with my tenure packet being sent out to external reviewers and so on.
I also wouldn’t be feeling quite so bummed right now if I hadn’t looked at the cvs of the people who got this benefit last year and saw that they were inferior to mine even at the point in their careers that they are now. Usually the folks who get it I’m like, “I wish I could be that cool, maybe I will be in X years.” The folks from last year are at better schools but they don’t have the cvs to back it up, only promise (they’re earlier in their careers). And it is much easier to fulfill promise when you’ve got this benefit, and are at a better school.
I like where I work, but if I’d made different choices, maximizing my career would have been easier. I need to remind myself that I’m doing ok, I’m respected, I do good work, even though it is slower than I’d like. I don’t work as hard as I could, I don’t put myself out there as much as I could. But my quality of life isn’t so bad. And if I’d never gotten my hopes up, I wouldn’t be feeling them dashed right now.
#2: They’re pooty brains.
#1: YEAH! Poopy heads with pooty brains!