Toothpaste Sommelier

There was a lot of hype around the Royal Wedding this past spring (gag).  I took no part in it and missed the whole thing [#2 totally looked at the “10 weirdest hats” kinds of picture documentaries on EW, linked off CNN].  However, it did get me thinking about pomp and how unrealistic it all was, and what kind of jobs REALLY need doing in a royal palace if you are super-rich.  Behold, my awesome idea: the Toothpaste Sommelier.

(If this already exists, don’t tell me.  Let me have my dream that I am creative sometimes.)

This job is one of those high-falutin’, strange, silly jobs that linger in the British Monarchy from times gone by, like the person whose job it used to be to help the king put his shoes on or whatever.  The Lady-in-Waiting-in-Charge-of-Combs.  Minister-of-selecting-the-king’s-scarf.  That sort of thing.  You know you want your own Toothpaste Sommelier.

The Toothpaste Sommelier is always mixing up custom, hand-crafted micro-batches of toothpaste.  Her or his job is to give the sovereign the exact toothpaste that will best complement her or his day.  What flavour will best complement or eliminate the lingering aftertaste of dinner, depending on the type of dishes served?  Maybe an invigorating scent for morning and a soothing cleanse for evening?  Which stiffness of toothbrush will best hold which type of toothpaste?  Can the flavours of the mouthwash and the toothpaste be made to harmonize?  Something extra-effective for sensitive teeth when the Majesties are in a hurry?  What is the sovereign’s favourite flavour?

The Toothpaste Sommelier spends years perfecting his or her craft.  She or he has lots of recipes hand-written on little cards, filed and cross-referenced.  Perhaps she grows her own herbs for health, flavour, or healing, or perhaps he works closely with the royal gardens to procure the freshest ingredients.

This person has traveled all over the world, always on the lookout for new ingredients that traditionally convey benefits, along with the latest scientific breakthroughs vis-a-vis tooth decay.  She or he may also have an assortment of flosses and flossing devices to fit diverse needs.  Should the handle match the royal bathrobe?  Can we engineer a shield so the royal fingers don’t get spit on them?  The Toothpaste Sommelier probably has a degree in chemical engineering and probably also some medical training.  The job is damn hard to get, as turnover is very low and many people apply.

Hobbies:  brewing beer; corresponding with historical scholars; competitive modern mixed martial arts.

The Toothpaste Sommelier has an interesting life, working between 2 and 6 hours per day in the search for the most effective and pleasing toothpaste.  There’s plenty of opportunity for travel and hobbies, good pay, great job security, potential for personal growth, and the knowledge that one is keeping the head of state’s head from decaying.  All good things.


[sidenote:  we were an editor’s pick in this week’s carnival of personal finance.]


8 Responses to “Toothpaste Sommelier”

  1. Cloud Says:

    Oh, I think the job is traditionally hereditary, and there was a big uproar when the children of the last toothpaste sommelier didn’t want the job, and an open application process had to be run.

  2. Comrade PhysioProf Says:


    You’re not in f*cken england yet!

  3. hush Says:

    “Gag?” Not a fan of Wills and Waity Katie? I confess to having been a tad bit obsessed with it all. I DVR’d all 6 hours of it – thank gawd for the fast forward button. This is not surprising when you consider what a Major Event Diana’s wedding was in my house growing up. I was a preschooler, but I remember it like it was yesterday. And oh yeah, fugly Charles was there, too.

    Emotions/anglophilia aside, I honestly don’t know how it is that the Brits still keep the monarchy and can still justify all of their maintenance expenses.

  4. First Gen American Says:

    I did see about 5 seconds of the wedding at my daycare when I was dropping off my kids, then about 2 weeks later I tried watching the whole thing on my computer. Ugh..high mass, so boring. You didn’t miss much, although I did like her dress and the goofy hats.

    That job sounds great. I stayed over a quirky guy friend’s house once and took a shower there and was surprised to see at least 10 bottles of scented shampoo there. Strawberry, mango, mint, etc. When I asked why he didn’t use up one shampoo before buying another, he said he likes to smell different every day and prefers different ones depending on his mood. Reminds me of your toothpaste job.

  5. Thoughts on ways to become more obnoxious with money | Grumpy Rumblings (of the formerly untenured) Says:

    […] more) money?  Giving to charity or saving it not allowed for this thought exercise!  Hiring a toothpaste sommelier, on the other hand, is totally […]

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