I’m afraid to schedule this post. I’ll update it if I miscarry before Tuesday… it won’t have to be changed much.
As of now I am in the very early stages of a pregnancy.
The first time I got pregnant it was after more than a year and a half of fertility treatment. I had a monitored clomid cycle (my eggs popped out later than normal) and an IUI. I got a negative 14 days after ovulation, but a positive a bit after that. Rising betas, and suddenly I miscarried at 7 weeks. I’d eaten white bread at a conference the night before. My reproductive endocrinologist (RE) only believed in Metformin at 500ml, even though the literature has found 1500ml to be effective in getting the early miscarriage rate of women with PCOS to match that of normal women. Maybe it was just a chromosome abnormality. I take comfort in the fact that I will never know, but only because I have proof now that I can bring a baby to term; at the time I did not.
Miscarriage is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Loss of a wanted pregnancy is a horrible wrenching pain. I lost a child.
I bled and stopped, I bled again and stopped again. My betas went down like they were supposed to. I upped my metformin to 1500 just in case, behind the doctor’s back. I had a horrific time on a trip when I needed my last beta checked out of town… I had a breakdown because even though we’d set everything up in advance, and were supposed to get the ok with everything someone messed up somewhere and we spent 20 or 30 min trying to deal with the insurance lady when finally we realized if we just gave them $80 in cash they would stop asking me questions. So we did. I almost divorced my perfect husband that day.
The RE office wanted us to take a month off from trying (use protection!), then a provera challenge, and then another clomid cycle. We weren’t sure if we wanted to keep trying. But since I didn’t cycle by myself I figured I might as well start the provera challenge and then decide given some time. So I took one of my remaining 40-odd mail order pregnancy tests because you’re supposed to check just in case before taking provera. There may have been an evaporation line but it was hard to tell so I delayed provera… I wasn’t in a hurry to make the decision so any excuse to delay was fine with me. The next day it looked less like an evaporation line and more like a faint line. By that Monday the line was a real line and I called the RE office. Despite having told us not to try, our tech was excited for me.
I wasn’t ready. I was in shock. I didn’t believe it. I had just bought $600 of professional work clothing literally two days before. I still hadn’t gone through the stages of grief with my first baby. I had anger, guilt, and most of all, fear. I did not want to lose this one.
I took pregnancy test (HPT) after pregnancy test until they drove me crazy with their increases and decreases in darkness. Turns out my second morning urine is actually the best… has something to do with acidity in some women’s urine. The ovulation prediction kits (OPK) were much more comforting since they only got darker. Eventually DH suggested I get rid of the lot so I would stop freaking out so much and I sent them to a friend who was also trying to conceive (along with DH’s leftover Fertility Blend for Men).
I went in and got the blood tests… at 7 weeks I saw the heartbeat… and our child was eventually born. It was a few months after ze was born before I believed ze wouldn’t just suddenly die.
There was a weird sort of cognitive dissonance for me. Initially, I was so very afraid of loss, I was afraid to bond with the baby. But the winning emotion was the thought that each week was another week longer that I got to spend with my precious baby.
Pregnancy after a loss can be frightening. I didn’t buy any baby items until two and a half weeks before my due date, and even then sent out my mom and husband with a credit card. We never did get around to buying a crib– we got a pack in play and were going to get a crib when ze hit 3 months but ended up cosleeping instead.
It’s hard to enjoy pregnancy when you think it might be taken from you. Terrible side effects are a huge comfort because they indicate that the baby is probably still there. Whenever ze would get still in the calmer second trimester, I would have to drink some orange juice just to make sure ze will still alive and could kick.
I’m worried now. I’ll be less worried when I see a heartbeat (or maybe just hear it… I’m not sure how the u/s technology is in our small town), and less worried when the baby is born, and probably less worried still when ze is mobile. And in kindergarten. And I’m scared… not of the life changes or the increased expenses or time for our oldest… those worries are too far down the line to even dream of. Almost every moment of the day is spent wondering and wishing and hoping and praying. I’m afraid to plan too much ahead, afraid to complain, afraid to take anything for granted. This time around I don’t have a box of OPK or HPT… just the occasional overpriced plastic thing from the drugstore. (Hint: ept sucks, go with first response instead. Pink dye is easier to read than blue.) Will I have another baby? I still don’t know. I hope so.
Here is a list of things not to say to someone who has had a miscarriage. #2 *always* said the right thing.