RBORant

  • Dear friends of wives/fiances of my male colleagues, Please stop inviting me to women-only bridal and baby showers.  I do not know your friend, I only know her husband/husband-to-be.  Also:  I hate shower games.  Seriously.  If you want to invite me to a shower, please make it co-ed so I know someone there and have food and conversation but no games.  Yes, I will stick a gift into your friend’s husband’s work mailbox anyway.
  • Related:  Dear husband’s aunt whose daughter (that I did not know existed) lives several states away from me, please do not send me an invitation to a woman’s only baby shower for your daughter.  If you want a gift, just send an announcement to your nephew once the baby is born.  Of course, given that the baby will not be born until fricking October, this may not be the last baby shower you are planning on throwing.  Please do not invite me to those either.  (And yes, I sent a gift card anyway, but am not planning on sending one at the birth.  You get one gift.  It would have been twice as much had you followed proper etiquette.)
  • I hate it when people say that parents are showing off with their kids when they’re interacting with their kids in public.  You don’t know why people do what they do.  And it most likely isn’t for your benefit.  (You’re not actually that important.)
  • Dear relatives, Please stop pressuring me to have the baby.  Ze will come by 42 weeks, and it is not my fault if you expected hir at 38 and ze’s still not there at 40.
  • Psychology researchers doing long-term laboratory studies on relationships find that contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce.  It isn’t fun to read about other peoples’ contempt for their spouses on the internets.
  • Dear student, I am afraid that a recommendation letter from me could not be very strong as it would have to contain information about your performance in my class.
  • Some people are more likable before they drink the self-help motivational Koolaid.

Grumpy readership, do you have any random rants to share?  Let it all out.

60 Responses to “RBORant”

  1. eemusings Says:

    Ohhh yes. I let loose on Friday (http://eemusings.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/open-letters-volume-1/) so I’m a bit calmer, but today I’m hating on everyone in the PR industry. ALL OF THEM.

  2. Pamela Says:

    Ha! Just one. Dear Facebook poster, I get it! You lurve these inspirational graphics (as well as the edgy ones) that you constantly post. You hate drama, which is why you CONSTANTLY post about the latest fight with your girlfriend or boyfriend. You hate people who can’t take disagreement, which is why you always freak out when someone posts a different opinion from you. You push buttons and whine when it’s done to you. Please shut up now, and while you’re at it, get some therapy. You’re exhausting from a *distance.*

    • rented life Says:

      I’m borrowing your rant.

    • Linda Says:

      YES, YES, YES! I have some relatives that are always re-posting images and “cute” sayings and it drives me batty! It is the 21st Century equivalent to email spam!

      To add to your Facebook poster rant: I will not be coerced into your silly “I’m cleaning up my Facebook and you need to respond or I take you off my friends list” crap. If the only choice I have is to respond to this or get removed, then go ahead and remove me! Also, I will not be coerced into copying/pasting a comment about how I hate cancer or support people with a certain health condition, etc., etc. I’m not a “me too-er” or a “joiner.” I’ll repost stuff if it is important to me or I find it funny or useful, but no pressure from you or anyone else will make me hit Share.

  3. mom2boy Says:

    Dear board of bar examiners – experimental questions in a test that determines if I can work in my chosen profession SUCK.

    Dear clomid – you suck.

    Dear housing crisis – you suck. We are moving across the country in two months. We are upside down on house we put 20% down on. We are able to pay all our bills but not comfortably carry two mortgages especially considering the cost of living where we are going. We don’t qualify for any consideration of modification or short sale or anything remotely helpful. The mortgage is twice the home’s current rental value (thanks to foreclosures renting at dirt cheap all around us). We are screwed.

  4. rented life Says:

    I actually attended a baby shower two weeks ago that had one really basic game, and since they allowed us to chatter while it was going on, it wasn’t a Big Deal. She also did not make a Huge Deal about opening gifts. It was about seeing a friend and her family who lived states away. Best shower I’ve been too as a guest. I’ve thrown a number of showers myself and the one people most commented on was the one where I was able to work alone, had baby bingo for the game but without pressure–I had multiple prizes and wasn’t a “You must play now”, because my game isn’t the point. Oh and I did a drawing for a diaper bash–bring a thing of diaoers, enter your name. Simple, easy, people liked it. Add lots of time for eating and visiting because that’s what people would rather do (if they know the people at the shower, as you pointed out.) While we’re on showers though…even if you know the guest of honor, don’t attend if you can’t be happy for them. I’m sorry you have problems getting pregnant. You’re not the only one, even at this party. But this is about our good friend’s little baby, not about you. Be kind for an hour.

    My rant: family….when I’m trying to share with you about my depression, because I need to build a support system…it’s not helpful to be cut off and told that I really have a problem that you don’t understand. Thanks. I wanted isolation. Doesn’t matter if you don’t get it…just let me be there, which was what I was asking.

    facebook friends: It’s ok if we disagree…most of the time we do I just keep my mouth shut. I’m not conservative…you’ll live just fine with liberals in your life. Hell it might be good for you.

    Cats: You do not need to be fed every hour. Stop waking me up.

  5. Comradde PhysioProffe Says:

    Dear relatives, Please stop pressuring me to have the baby.

    You’re saying that you are already pregnant and quite far along and your relatives are pressuring you to give birth faster? Unless they are pressuring you to go to the hospital and get a birth-inducing hormone injection, it sounds like they need a physiology lesson. And either way, they need a how-to-not-be-an-intrusive-motherf*cker lesson.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      I think the idea was AROM prior to pitocin, but yes, the rest could use physiology lessons.

      Note to people: make plans to travel two weeks *after* the due date if you want to be sure to see the baby and not just a huge belly since doctors won’t let people go any longer than that. Babies do not know about your plans.

  6. MutantSupermodel Says:

    Dear Smoke and Dust from Africa,
    Stay in freaking Africa and out of my freaking sinuses.

  7. Belle Says:

    Twits, just get the hell back in your holes and leave me alone. Until I get the HRT stuff under control, you are just begging for a rant. And it’s really hard for me to let go of the baseball bat I would like to use to help you with the attitude adjustment.

  8. Cloud Says:

    The rant that’s been welling up inside me for the last few days is about how we’ve turned news into entertainment, and just so totally screwed it up so that someone thought the best way to compete in their “news market” was to call the mother of a suspected mass murderer, wake her up before dawn, break the news to her, and then take her shocked words and willfully misinterpret them to try to make it look like she was saying she knew her son would do something like this.

    And I hate how we all stand around wringing our hands and acting like this sort of event is just something beyond our control to try to prevent, like a tornado or something, when in fact there are several things we could do to try to minimize the chances of such events, and we don’t do them because we refuse to discuss issues with each other like reasonable adults and instead prefer to scream soundbites at each other.

    Gah. We are one screwed up society. My heart breaks for the victims. My heart breaks for the family of the gunman. And my heart breaks for us, because we seem to have lost the ability to try to solve problems.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Oh man, that’s so true and so depressing. :|

      I wonder if we’re more complacent because there are fewer SAHW tackling these causes. It takes a lot of time, organization, effort etc. to make changes, and there just isn’t the unpaid labor force out there to do it anymore. So the only people making “real” change are the people with the money to hire folks, the Murdochs, the Koch brothers, and so on.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      OMG: ‘President Obama on Wednesday forcefully spoke out against gun violence, saying AK-47s “belong on the battlefield of war, not on the streets of our cities.” ‘

  9. hush Says:

    re: baby showers – Word. Good etiquette is always in style. I wish co-ed Sip and Sees, sans games, with lots of alcohol flowing, would start to catch on outside of the South.

    Dear child of mine, stop using the f-word correctly as you mutter to yourself in perfect imitation of yours truly whenever you stub your toe, or can’t complete the lego rocket. It is too funny and is creating a real non-problem for me.

    Dear Auntie, it is rude for any guest in my home to inform me that the reason she never had children was because in 1989, one time she saw a kid in daycare eat another kid in daycare’s spit-up. (Wait, is that supposed to be bad?)

    Dear Uncle, it is rude for any guest in my home to book a flight that gets in at midnight without even mentioning it to me first, but expecting me to do airport pickup on a work night because you’re too cheap to call a cab. I do hope you enjoyed your cab ride.

    Dear blogger to whom I am only a random person on the internets, if you’re going to email me privately to hit me up for free career advice, then it would behoove you not to sit in judgment of the legitimate choices successful people like me usually make in order to stay that way.

    Dear Joe-Pa, someone with the kind of ego that allowed for that many statues of him to be made while he was living is by definition, a dictator. No surprise you allowed children to be raped.

    Dear Mitt Romney, We need to see more photos of your five hot sons. Why on earth has no one in your camp come up with that as a campaign strategy?

  10. chacha1 Says:

    Dear FB friends, I like you. I really like you. Or I wouldn’t have “friended” you. But if you keep “liking” porny pictures I am going to hide your posts, and if all you ever post is propaganda for your business I am going to hide your posts, and if you keep sharing Tea Party BS I am going to unfriend you.

    Dear fellow drivers, put down the damn phone. It is illegal to hold that phone, it is illegal to not stop at stop signs, it is illegal to jump the right-of-way, and it is STUPID to do all of the above.

  11. Rumpus Says:

    I think you need a FAQ for when students shouldn’t ask you for a recommendation, ala “you might be a redneck”.
    – If you got a C or lower in my class, you might not want me to write you a “recommendation” letter.
    – If you slept in my class more than once, regardless of whether you thought your snores were audible, you might not…
    – If you complained about my teaching style loudly in the hallway outside my office, you might not…

    Of course, there would be empty lines at the end, so that when a student comes in and gives you inspiration you can immediately add to the list.

  12. Spanish Prof Says:

    Dear student research assistant:
    I don’t care about your cousin baptism. I told you when I hired you that one of the conditions was that you had to do a 10 minutes presentation at the beginning of August for the rest of the university community (that is paying your salary). So if you have to drive 100 miles from your home city at 9pm one day to be able to make it to the presentation the following day, so be it. You should be thankful that I signed as worked the 6 hours we spent at a baseball game (which, to be fair, was kind of an imposition. But the tickets were free. And you got to see the local team making a comeback after being 0-6 down).

  13. Leigh Says:

    Dear coworker who talks to everyone about stuff unrelated to work all day and talks on your desk phone on and off all day when we are in an open office and twenty people can hear your every word, SHUT THE F UP. Use your cell phone in a conference room or in the hallway or outside like everyone else does EXCEPT FOR YOU. I don’t want to listen to your talking to your wife, to your children, to your mortgage specialist, to the online banking person, or to anyone about anything except for work, you know that thing that I’m trying to do, but it is next to impossible to do so and so I end up working 12 hour days because you’re pissing me off so much that I can’t get any work done while you’re here from 9-4.

    Dear people who smoke in all of the nice outdoor areas we have near our office buildings, pick ONE place in the ENTIRE campus where you are going to smoke so that no one else goes there. I would like to be able to also use the outdoor space, which isn’t even owned by you, me, or our company, to enjoy FRESH AIR, not inhale cigarette smoke.

    Dear grocery stores #2 and #3 on my walk home from work, you’re not getting my business because you don’t have self-checkout and I don’t want to wait in line behind people with many items to pay $5-15 for my 1-3 items. Instead, I’m walking an extra mile home with a gallon of orange juice or milk or ice cream when it is 80+ degrees outside.

    Dear friend who thinks that your real estate agent and mortgage agent have your best interests in mind, you are sorely mistaken and you will soon have a ridiculously large mortgage.

    Dear coworker who sends out emails saying that you’re working from home and then doesn’t actually report having done anything that day, just say you’re taking the day off because no, you’re not reachable or working or online. You’re lying.

    Okay, I feel slightly better now, but I still want to go hit the first coworker. Maybe he’ll eventually go for lunch and I can get some work done for an hour…

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      There’s a student worker across the hall from me with the same phone problem, except he’s always arguing with his girlfriend. Some day I may tell him to STFU. (Instead I’ve been closing my door and cranking my music.)

      • Debbie M Says:

        I’m always tempted to jump in, as if I’m sort of part of the conversation. “Bring her some Ben and Jerry’s; that will fix her right up!” “No! Don’t let him go to the party until he finishes his homework!” “Dude, snatch up the fixed-rate ASAP; interest rates can only go up. Ask how much for a 15-year mortgage!” “Well, you could bring ME some Ben and Jerry’s.”

  14. darchole Says:

    Dear student: Get your sh*t together or you won’t graduate on time. I’m tired of holding your hand and I’m tired of you constantly apologizing when I help you. I need you and your project off my back so I can do my own work. (person is really nice it’s just…get it DONE before I go postal)

  15. Perpetua Says:

    I. Do. Not. Play. Shower. Games. I don’t know if there’s anything I hate more than shower games. Besides genocide and stuff. But really. I actually kind of hate games, but the level of hate I feel at shower games is alarming. I do like single-sex showers because I like women-only spaces, especially ones where you sit around and talk about birth, ’cause I’m super into talking about birth. But, I don’t get invited to many showers. Imagine that!

    You know what also makes me lose my mind? Tax forms. Even looking at a W4 makes me break out in hives. I spent 15 minutes reading two paragraphs of a state tax form that seemed to directly contract each other before I could figure out what in the hell it was trying to communicate. I still don’t know if I’m exempt from paying taxes in said state or not.

  16. Julie R Says:

    Dear Visiting Scientist Dude,
    In case no one told you, having a PhD means, at the very least, that you can look up information all by yourself and you can work independently. I should not have to hold your hand. Especially since you are older than my father. The 19 year old undergraduate is a better worker than you are. Please go back to your home university.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Wow, do you think he’s actually incompetent or just feigning it?

      • Julie R Says:

        The only thing I’m sure of is that he’s a pain in the ass. And he has problems with basic calculations (concentration*volume = concentration* volume) sorts of basic calculations. He doesn’t have great reviews on “Rate my professor.” He is here on sabbatical, but he doesn’t seem to have a project of his own. He seems to just here to “help” in the lab. I’m not really sure why my PI agreed to it. It’s going to be a long six months.

  17. Daisy @ Add Vodka Says:

    LOL! I love this. So funny! I hate when people pressure me to have kids. The boy and I aren’t married, I’m only 23 (he’s 26) and we live in a dump. There’s no way I’m bringing a kid into this world right now and I’m a little horrified when others expect me to!

  18. Debbie M Says:

    Dear programmers,

    Please test things before telling us they are ready.

    Oh, now you’re making us test them. You should still test them yourself first.

    Please ask questions before you decide how to program things–tell us your plan and we’ll tell you what to tweak ahead of time, before you spend all those hours doing it just a little bit (or a lot) wrong. Why do I have to not only point out the bugs but also explain why they are bugs? And then also explain why they need to be fixed?

    Yes, it is good to prioritize data integrity issues over usability. But “usability” also translates to “sanity.” Opening twice as many windows as we should have to, typing twice as much stuff, saying the same thing twice as many times, leaping 8 times as many opportunities for screwing up, all these things increase stress.

    Dear administrators,

    Stop telling us to do more with less. It was cute the first year. Now by the fourth year of having to do more with less than the year before, it’s time to admit that some things are going to fall by the wayside. If you are wise, you will tell us which things you want sacrificed. Encouraging us to sacrifice our sanity is not a good long-term plan.

  19. Practical Parsimony Says:

    My current rant–a $5000.15 (five-thousand dollars and fifteen cents) prescription this afternoon. That is obviously a huge mistake but the pharmacy cannot figure it out. I am losing faith in an institution I need to be trustworthy. This stuff only relieves bladder pain and gives me blue pee.

    Oh, I hate parents of annoying children, especially when those parents laugh when their kid almost knocks me over because she is three, allowed to weave and bobble about, never reeled in as the parents watch me stagger through the lobby of the doctor’s office, dodging this precious monster on two legs. The child has the right-of-way just because. (I have back and knee problems that make it obviously difficult to walk, plus I was reeling from the temp.)

    Rant from past–I taught GED in a men’s prison. The most motivated and most civilized student asked me to wrote a letter to the parole board recommending early release, stating exacly why. He did get a parole. THEN, an old whiny guy who did nothing in class, demanded I look up pop culture information on my home computer, print if off and bring it to him asap, blah, blah, except for applying himself, asked me to write a referral. It was two sentences. Then, he was angry, telling me I did a better job for the other guy, accusing me of playing favorites, blah, blah, blah. He and none of the others who asked for a letter ever recognized that their actions were all I had to report. AND, even when I explained it, my words fell on deaf ears.

    I actually like baby shower games. I do not want a co-ed shower, just good food. .

  20. femmefrugality Says:

    Co ed showers are wayyyyy more fun. And I don’t know what students who don’t try in school are expecting when they ask for recommendation letters. And babies come when babies come….I put more pressure on my own body to have it over with but I’m one of those miracle people that’s on the dot to 40 weeks.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      After one’s due date one has to start doing tests. Found out today that one reason I’ve been able to walk around more than two weeks at at least 6cm dilation is because I have almost (but not quite) too much amniotic fluid. I now feel really guilty for all those tortilla chips and other corn products (not to mention the occasional potato) I’ve been eating since I can’t have whole wheat, as gestational diabetes is linked to too much amniotic fluid. I was so much better with DC1.

      DC1 came two weeks early. DC2 is hanging in there for the duration, it seems. Ze’s also starting to lose hir vernix, apparently.

  21. Revanche Says:

    Ditto 1, 2, and 3. Variation on 4: Ask me again when we’re having children and I will put on a hex on you. I don’t know what a hex IS precisely or how it works but dammit, I will do the work and find out. Just for repeat offenders, though. I’m not THAT irritable. Ish.

    People who have no money: Quit your bitching about having no money when you’re choosing to spend it on wants one way or another and then freaking out when necessities aren’t affordable. Note you get intensely irritated when other people do this. I don’t want to hear it anymore. Fix your problems or don’t but it’s a cycle.

    I might actually burst into flame if I ranted about what I wanted to rant about…. so I will refrain other than to say it’s related to the last rant but much much worse.

    *looks at belly* I MIGHT be growing a dragon of anger in my belly instead, from choosing not to rant but I’m trying a new thing in not spewing my rage.

    Though it was somewhat a relief to rant for a second about entitled people who cannot comprehend that their own poor performance on interviews, never mind in contrast to the (almost surprisingly but not really) stellar performance of the competition, was actually the reason they didn’t get the job. That one’s sort of amusing since I’ve dealt with entitlement so often it’s just an irritant and I have no problem with saying Oh no, it’s not us, it was you.

    Also, despite a really smooth transition to a new URL, I can’t make up my mind about a new theme so the blog still looks like hell. Ah. Well.

    (huh. I’m really grumpy)


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