I hate dogs

That’s not even really true.  I hate people who own dogs.  It’s not the dogs’ fault.  I feel about dog owners the way Kate feels about fellows…

“I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.”  –August Strindberg

People should not be allowed to have any dogs without a vigorous approval process.    Leash laws should be ENFORCED in my neighborhood, thank you!  When I run over your dog because it’s in the street, that’s your fault.  [no dogs have been run over.]

Every place I live, there is always some stupid idiot dog who barks for 3 – 7 hours IN A ROW on MULTIPLE days.  That is not ok.  One day I will snap and murder someone.

I envision a magnificent future where, every time someone gets a dog from WHATEVER source, the dog EITHER comes surgically debarked, or the new owners have a binding obligation to teach it not to bark.  If they want a watchdog, they must legally commit to teaching the dog NOT to bark unless there is ACTUALLY a burglar… not their next-door neighbors walking around their OWN yard.  If there is any complaint about the dog barking… fines that increase each time, until the barking stops.  The money will be used to fund no-kill shelters.  What, you say surgically de-barking dogs is cruel surgery and makes them more aggressive?  Then you better be ready to deal with the consequences!  Only people who are able to devote the time and energy to training their dogs should be allowed to have them, PERIOD.

If someone wants to train their dog but can’t afford lessons or a class, then my magical program will pay for that.  But if they don’t have TIME to train their dog, the dog gets taken away or surgically silenced.  I think if you don’t have time to train it then you shouldn’t have it, because it won’t be a happy dog, but that’s your lookout.

Animals are fantastic companions, and a well-trained dog is a useful and wonderful addition to the family.  People are complete asshats.

Alternately, who wants to buy me this?  I’m totally serious here, folks.  So serious.

50 Responses to “I hate dogs”

  1. Holly@ClubThrifty Says:

    I like dogs but am ready to be dog-free when Pablo kicks the bucket. He’s eleven.
    When we first started looking for a new house, we actually walked away from one because of the dog next door. It barked loudly the entire time we were looking at the house and it was super annoying. I asked a neighbor who happened to be outside if it was always like that and he said yes. It was an outside dog, outdoors 24 hours a day and it barked off and on the entire time.
    We loved that house but I didn’t want to become a prisoner in my own home so we chose not to buy it. Greg actually suggested that we buy the house and poison the dog through the fence but I thought that was harsh.

    • OMDG Says:

      Our neighbors have a dog that is just like this (they moved in after we did). It would bark randomly all day, and when I was on maternity leave the barking would wake the baby 2-3 times per day. When I asked the owner (who was a former friend) if she could keep her dog inside *sometimes* she told me to F myself. I was this close to poisoning that dog. Too bad I couldn’t poison the owner too.

      • nicoleandmaggie Says:

        I’ve considered calling animal control and reporting it as rabid or maltreated or both.

      • chacha1 Says:

        In our city, a chronic barker is a noise ordinance violation and the owner can be cited. Not sure how they escalate though. I mean, if the noise doesn’t stop, I don’t think they seize the pet.

      • OMDG Says:

        I also worried that the neighbors would know that I called, and retaliate in some way.

      • Holly@ClubThrifty Says:

        I think it’s incredibly rude when people let their pets bark all day and night. I mean, if you want a bunch of loud dogs, move to the country on some acreage. Then do whatever the hell you want. But if you live in a neighborhood you should at least try to respect people’s air space. I couldn’t stand the barking dog for 20 minutes let alone every day if we lived there. It’s too bad too because it was a nice (and reasonably priced) house in one of our target neighborhoods.

      • Snoops Says:

        Just throw some chocolate over there– perhaps mixed with poop. Dogs LOVE chocolate (and poop!), and chocolate is poisonous to dogs. I thought about doing that to the THREE pitbulls which lived next door.

  2. OMDG Says:

    Well, I hate parents so I guess we’re even.

  3. Thisbe Says:

    Your friendly neighborhood veterinary professional here to note that surgically debarking is really only a last resort and training dogs not to bark is basically not possible – dogs are going to bark some, pretty much no matter what. That said, frequent to constant barking is generally an indicator that the dog is in some kind of distress (bored, threatened, anxious, etc) and it should be possible to modify the dog’s environment so that it is more content.

    If you have neighbors whose dogs are bothering you, do something about it! And “something” is not poisoning, other commenters, that is really vile. You seriously think that a bunch of animals (cats, squirrels, raccoons, what have you – possibly even someone’s kid) that never did anything to hurt you as well as one dog that barks need to die messy, painful, protracted deaths because your baby’s nap got interrupted? Jeezapete. Talk about self-centered. I get being annoyed at barking, but moving from “this annoys me” to “I will torture and kill to stop it” is a pretty big step.

    Here is an appropriate “something” other than talking to the neighbor: tell the neighbor that you’re going to call animal control. Then actually do call animal control (or whatever is the right agency for noise complaints). If you do this enough times – usually something like three, but varies by jurisdiction – the owners will probably have to do something about the situation up to and including not owning the animal anymore.

    Anyways, I join you N&M in wishing that pet ownership came with an intense approval/education process and that leash laws were more enforced in neighborhoods. Though in point of fact, if someone’s dog is running around off leash in a leash-law area and you run it over (or it is injured in a fight with a leashed dog, or anything else happens to it) it probably already is legally the fault of the owner who is not controlling the dog. And obviously is morally the fault thereof, in the event that it ever happens IMO you shouldn’t feel bad.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      #2’s big complaint is not picking up dog poop on the sidewalks or her lawn. (She lives in a neighborhood with BIG lawns and lots of space between houses. So the barking isn’t so much of a problem.)

      She wishes she could do this: http://www.sheldoncomics.com/archive/081117.html

    • OMDG Says:

      Good God Thisbe, do you think I was serious/would have actually done it? I have a dog myself! Have you never had malevolent thoughts yourself that you would never actually act upon?

      In any case, I think you’re awfully optimistic to think that a call to animal control would have done anything in this case. The dog was otherwise well cared for, had access to the house (back door was open all day with a person inside), and is not otherwise abused. The dog just vigorously defends the house every time a person or car goes by. The owner was just inconsiderate, which is — for better or for worse — not illegal. Hence the malevolent thoughts.

      • Thisbe Says:

        Yeah people leaving poops around is SO ANNOYING. And disgusting. And a public health hazard. And illegal… I love that Sheldon. I basically did that with my neighbor who would let her incredibly old dog wander (off-leash, natch) into my unfenced front yard and poop there. I only caught her in the act a couple of times but it was really fun. :) I think some sort of webcam with a sign might also do the trick, but that’s more complicated to set up.

        OMDG, sorry if you are not the kind of person who would actually set out poison for a neighbor dog. Those people exist (I see and attempt to save the dying animals, it absolutely happens) and I have no idea who they are or how to tell them apart from people who just talk about poisoning animals as an option. I’m glad it’s not something you would really do.

        I don’t know where you live, but you might be surprised if you looked up the animal control ordinance in your town. Most towns have restrictions on “nuisance barking” dogs, which is usually defined very broadly. If you live in an urban or suburban type area, it probably IS illegal for the owner to be inconsiderate to the extent of allowing the dog to bark frequently/constantly, and the city or county can require action to be taken to resolve the problem. I guess it might be that Animal Control is nonresponsive and doesn’t do anything, and that’s its own kind of problem. But you’ll never know if you don’t try!

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Now #2 is pondering the moral implications of surgically silencing (highly paid) former-CEO adjuncts who CANNOT stop talking LOUDLY in the hallway.

    • Snoops Says:

      HA! I went to the police station in my hometown, after the owners kept allowing their PITBULLS run lose! there are kids who live around there, a little old lady, who often walked her small dog, plus, I am VERY AFRAID of dogs. Do you know what the police man told me? “Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you… they all ways got dogs running lose in that neighborhood!” Then I called animal control and was told they only come out if there is an “incident”. IT DOES NO GOOD TO CALL ABOUT DOGS! THEY RULE THE ROOST!

    • Snoops Says:

      DON’T TELL ME its cruel to think about poisoning a dog… there was this little old lady, out walking and 2 dogs attacked her VICIOIUSLY and killed her. THAT is cruel! And what about the little boy– out in his sand box– and dogs came and disfigured him? Or the lady who left her son alone while she worked (a pre-teen), and when she came home later and found her son’s shredded body strewn through out the house? THAT’S cruel! And the lady in NY, who was afraid of her neighbor’s dogs and one day, they tore her neck apart, as she crawled, screaming, trying to get into her apartment before they came back a second time? THAT’S cruel. I don’t believe in cruelty to animals (for example, they often use beagles in labs, doing experiments on them… when I saw this video, I couldn’t sleep for days, I was so upset. these hell holes should be closed down…Having said that, I also don’t believe in cruelty to people and dogs DO ATTACK people. As one person said, they are only half domesticated and should not be allowed in towns! I don’t really hate dogs; I hate what they can do to people and should not be allowed where people walk around–like towns.

  4. Perpetua Says:

    I used to feel exactly the same way about dogs. Dogs (and their terrible owners) were my biggest pet peeve. There’s nothing more noxious than being chased by an unleashed dog and then being told by a smug owner that their precious snowflake dog is “friendly” (while he growls and snarls). But it’s weird. Now I live on a small street with tons of dogs – I mean, overflowing with dogs, who often run around unleashed. And I like every single one of the dogs (and their owners, for the most part). I do not hear barking, the dogs are never aggressive, they are live in families with children so they are child-safe, they are almost never obnoxious. It’s like a dog revolution in my life. It’s weird.

  5. Liz Says:

    Have you told the neighbor that his dog is barking? If the dog is barking while the owner’s away, he might not know about the problem behavior. (Because he might not hear his own dog bark, ever.)

    I am a proud, responsible dog owner. Lots of training, both formal and informal. He ain’t perfect, but he’s a damn good animal. I dislike hounds because of their barking – but would be happy to own several should I have a wooded multi-acre lot one day.

  6. Linda Says:

    This is the key point: “Only people who are able to devote the time and energy to training their dogs should be allowed to have them, PERIOD”

    Here in Chicago we have nuisance laws on the books that are used for things like excessive barking. Unfortunately, it puts the burden on the complainer to document the excessive barking and then report the owner, but complaints are followed up. Even in the neighborhoods that have houses with yards (like mine) it’s actually pretty rare for people to keep their dogs outside and unsupervised for extended periods of time. Dogs can be stolen from yards and used in dog fighting in this area, so people tend to keep a close eye on them.

    I rarely see dog poop in yards when I walk my dog. I guess most people here are good about picking it up.

    My dog that died a few years ago barked whenever anyone walked past our house or approached the neighbor’s house. The neighbor liked the warning; she is an older woman and liked feeling protected. I think that dog was given up at the shelter because she may have been living in an apartment or condo and barked too much. But we figured out a way to work around her inherent barkiness. She was an awesome dog and I miss her.

    I still have a dog that is less barky. She will bark softly a few times when the mail is delivered and will bark loudly when someone unknown comes to the door. She does not bark in the yard unless another dog is present.

    I love my dog and always want to have one around. I am not a cat person. I tried, I really did, but none of the cats I owned wanted to cuddle or get petted very much. Any animal living in my house needs to like lots of petting and will listen to my commands, including a command to get off my bed/lap/book/computer/table/countertop. Because that’s just gross…having an animal that uses its paws to move around its waste and then puts those same paws on the table where I eat, the counter where I prepare food, or in the water glass I am drinking out of! Yuck!! (Yes, my last cat would ALWAYS stick her paw in my water glass. I could never break her of it. She also bit people very hard quite frequently. She was a Bad Cat.)

  7. oil_garlic Says:

    We really trained out dogs but I think It’s really hard (or impossible?) to train a dog to only bark at burglars. I totally understand the frustration since I hate hearing my own dogs bark too much sometimes, and I really hate dogs that bark all day and night. One of my dogs didn’t really bark that often and actually would run away if someone got too close to the house! My other dog was a great guard dog once he got older and more experienced. He got too old to bark at every car that passed by or known neighbors, so he really only barked if someone got close to our property and was a stranger.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      I am very close to the neighbor’s property when I am on my own property. They are next door, after all. And when I’m sitting in my own back sunroom talking quietly, and then the dog barks for 3 hours continuously from 5 feet away, I get very, very annoyed. The barking just penetrates my peaceful mind like nothing else on earth (except, perhaps, a whining toddler, which is why I don’t have any).

  8. Leah Says:

    I had a neighbor once who let his dog run around the neighborhood. The neighbor told me I had to cover my compost because his dog kept eating it and getting sick. I actually came home one day to his wife covering my compost with chicken wire! I put up with it for a few weeks, but once I cut myself on the chicken wire, I tossed the crap. Good fences really do make good neighbors, but I didn’t own, so I had no option of putting up a fence.

    The off-leash issues are also a pet peeve. My parents’ dog is not super friendly with other dogs, but she still has a right to go on walks. We are careful with her, and she stays on a short leash (just a normal length one and not these long extender leashes). Nothing bugs me more than when someone has their dog off leash and then their dog runs up to mine. They always say “oh, my dog is so friendly.” I counter “mine is not!” I’ve still gotten chewed out by people when my dog snaps at theirs. Sigh.

    That said, I do really appreciate a well-trained dog. We don’t own one, but I have fun playing with my friends’ dogs.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      We leash our cats when we take them out! If we can do that…

    • Cloud Says:

      Oooh, the owners who let their dogs off leash and think yelling “he’s friendly!” when he comes running up and scares the crap out of my kid are the ones that really bother me. I don’t care how friendly the dog is, I think it is healthy for a child to be frightened of an unrestrained animal with sharp teeth, particularly when said teeth are at the level of the child’s neck. If your dog is unrestrained in an area other than a dog park and my child is frightened, it is not my child who is at fault.

      Also, some people are allergic to dogs, and can suffer harm from even friendly licks.

      And some of us just don’t want your dog to jump up on us.

      That said, I realize I am cranky about dogs and try to keep my crankiness in check, and I try to apply the same rule I apply to people whose kids are misbehaving in public- does the parent/dog owner seem to be trying to address the issue? If so, I assume they are doing the best they can. If not… I grumble under my breath.

      Our neighbor has a little dog that she leaves outside when she is away. The dog whines the entire time she is gone. If I ever start working from home, I suspect I’ll have to try to talk to her about it. The sound of a dog whining may actually annoy me more than the sound of a dog barking. She is almost never outside, or I’d talk to her now. As it is, I’d have to get her to answer her door (hard to do, as we know from past tree trimming conversations), and then somehow tell her that she is a mean dog owner in a way that would lead to her taking constructive action.

  9. scantee Says:

    Oh, I totally feel the same way. Love dogs, hate dog owners. Sorry dog-loving family members! I hate most parents too so I guess I’m negatively even with myself.

  10. chacha1 Says:

    There is just a really big range of what people consider “responsible pet ownership” in this country. Some people refuse to spay/neuter; some people think it is perfectly okay to let their animals run loose; some people abandon animals they don’t want anymore; some people cut pieces off their animals to make them fit a ridiculous & artificial “breed standard.” I think all those people are morally equivalent to people who run dogfights. In fact, many may be worse, because they will swear to you that they “love” their pets.

    City ordinance is the best protection from bad pet owners. The tax-paying humans ALWAYS come first with politicians, so make some noise at city hall if you don’t have city laws on the books about dog noise, dog poop, dogs off leash, etc. (roaming cats!) or if enforcement is too lax.

    And I agree that pet ownership should be tied to a very stringent system of checks and balances, tests and requirements. Maybe if it were harder to get a companion animal, people would be less inclined to treat pets as disposable. If I were king … !

  11. rented life Says:

    I’ve been “greeted” by “friendly” unleashed dogs while gardening. The woman didn’t get that 1) not everyone loves dogs 2) f’ing leash law, idiot, 3) I’ve been bit by enough dogs that I don’t give a rats butt how “nice” yours happens to be. and 4) I’m allergic. I don’t want them that close to me. period.

    I’ve reported a nuisance barker. Magically that stopped. (Guess what, don’t get a new dog and then leave it home alone for 12 hours on end. Dogs are social, and of course she’s barking because she freaking misses you.) I’ve also turned in photos of people who don’t pick up their doggie poop. Lady now carries a bag. (I watch her every day, she doesn’t even live here!) It’s easy to hate the dog because they are the ones being annoying, but I really just hate the owners. My indoor cat won’t poop in your yard, come into your garden or anything else. And the stuff I had to jump through to adopt the one cat…well everyone should have to deal with that–we had reference checks and everything from the one shelter. People think pets are easy and then neglect them. Drives me NUTS. I have taught a number of vet tech students over the years and the stories they have are awful. (I just teach them gen ed stuff….) I wish I could report all the bad owners.

    • ana Says:

      We had to go through similar things to rescue a dog. In fact we were denied a few times (because we lived in an apartment). I’ve had people call me as a reference for friends trying to adopt dogs, too. So depending on how you get the animal, there may be strict screening. Probably not at the local city-run high kill shelter, though.

      • Mados Says:

        We adopted the first of our current two dogs when we lived in a one bedroom flat (we now live in a house). We got the puppy from the one rescue org. which did not do reference checks or have an adoption form and which did not require “a reasonable sized enclosed yard” (we only had a small balcony:-) with a good view though). We are great dog owners and the pup grew up under great living conditions – off leash park across the road, beach 5 min walk away et.c…. better than now even though we now have a big enclosed yard… but now no beach, outdoor cafes, off leash parks with well behaved dogs, relaxed surfers walking bare food in the street, or hyper frequent walks due to being able to trick owners into doing yet another walk because maybe it is a necessary toilet visit. But yes you are right generally adopting a rescue pup is a very strict process.

  12. Ana Says:

    I HATE constantly yipping, barking dogs. And the poop. good lord the POOP everywhere. Why in the hell would you think its OK to leave POOP on a sidewalk????
    I also hate when people let their dogs off-leash on the street/running trail. Those dogs come bother MY dog, who isn’t particularly friendly to other dogs and then I have to manage the interaction (instead of focusing on my walk/run/whatever). She may just totally ignore them, but she may growl and lunge.
    So yeah, I love dogs, but I hate a pretty large majority of dog-owners. Yes, its similar to how I feel about kids/parents too.

    • OMDG Says:

      Don’t you love it when the owners of the off leash dogs yell at you because your dog reacted negatively to their precious animal bounding up to them? That’s my favorite. My second favorite is getting yelled at by strangers to pick up my dog’s poo when the dog hasn’t actually pooed (just sniffed or peed). If you’re going to police dog owners over this, people PLEASE learn what a dog looks like when it is taking a dump and don’t just yell at anyone who walks by with a dog.

      Off soap box.

  13. KeAnne Says:

    We live in a neighborhood with large yards and for the most part, my neighbors are responsible dog owners when it comes to keeping them on leashes, picking up poop, etc. There are a lot of strays in my neighborhood, though, and I hate it when they run through our yard because it freaks out my son who doesn’t like dogs. We’re cat people, though. Dogs are too high maintenance for us!

  14. J Liedl Says:

    I’m sorry that you live in neighbourhoods with a bunch of lackadaisical jerks as dog owners. If you were our neighbours, you’d benefit from our devotion to our pets’ care and not disturbing others. We walk them a mile or three twice daily, supervise their outdoor turnout in our yard so they don’t get into barking fits and never let them roam off leash. We also carry bags everywhere in case we have to clean up.

    KeAnne’s right – dogs are high maintenance and these two might be our last as I’m getting too old to housetrain another dog from puppyhood with the sleep deprivation and other schedule limitation it entails. My cats are a lot less work!

  15. Mados Says:

    Surgically (or any other) debarking of dogs would indeed be cruel. While dogs shouldn’t stand and bark all day long because they’re bored and making up epic stories about burglars, it is natural for dogs to bark and part of their repetoir. Debarking is equal to making people to raise their voice… People shouldn’t go around and shout all day long either because that is rude and a nuisance, but that doesn’t mean they should be made artificially mute either.

    The one point I agree on is that people shouldn’t own dogs if they are not ready to invest time into training them and learning about them. Dogs are not people (at least not of human kind) and they are not home decor, they are another species with its own distinct nature and big teeth, and people shouldn’t take them on if they are not ready to educate themselves about the monsters they’re having in their living room (;-), and educate the monsters about how to behave in human society… because without proper education most dogs won’t get it right by themselves. A proper dog-education starts from 3 weeks of age, so the source of supply of the puppy is crucial too… I would like to see a lot of the current sources of supply made illegal. And it is also crucial that the breed or breed mix is a good match for its owner and type of neighbourhood, that’s where it often goes wrong too. A dog is not just a dog.

    I love dogs. I have 2 of them (BIG monsters) so you obviously hate me twice as much:-) That’s OK, I don’t like everybody either. I think I am glad I don’t live in your neighbourhood. There are plenty of un-walked, untrained, barking dogs around here too though, so maybe I do:-) It is easier for us to train our dogs than the majority of our neighbours who work out of home full time… We both work from home, so we see/hear and can immediately correct our dogs when they get themselves worked onto a bad node. I also start every morning (almost) running for about an hour with one of my dogs as running buddy, and they both have at least one walk every day. Our dogs are not angles either… Unsupervised and bored they are just as prone to developing bad habits as any other dog.

    • Mados Says:

      Quick edits:

      Debarking is equal to making people to raise their voice


      Debarking is equal to making people unable to raise their voice




    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      I would never complain about a dog that barks a little bit here and there. It’s what dogs do. But when they bark for more than 30 minutes in a row (in many cases, more than 2 hours in a row, very loudly), my thoughts turn to shooting the dog-owning people in the face.

      I also agree that puppy mills are evil!

      • Mados Says:

        Totally agree with that.

        Actually there are remedies for that… I don’t think anti-bark (shock) collars for relentless barkers is a bad idea.I don’t think it should be the only solution, because obviously dogs that bark relentlessly do so to let out steam (most likely boredom-steam) so… someone said something about mandatory pet daycare, that sounds like a great idea for anyone who works full time AND whose dog is a nuisance to the neighbours.

  16. Cosmos Says:

    My pet hate is when I visit a friend who has a dog and they bring it inside and it jumps all over me and won’t leave me alone the whole time I am there. Whilst I display obvious signs that I am totally uncomfortable and even hurting from their scratching, the owner doesn’t do a single thing to alleviate my suffering! Some people say that they can do what they like in their own home and that the animal can too as it is their home too but what ever happened to being a good host and making your guests feel comfortable. What do they think? You can do whatever you like to anyone who enters your home? How ridiculous! I would hope that I am a respectful and considerate host to my friends. January so if they want the air con on or would like a cushion etc etc…….they are a respected and important guest in my home and my home is definitely not a frigging torture chamber as my friends place was for me with her dog all over me like some crazed lunatic, slobbering and pawing, scratching etc. I actually felt like I had been assaulted whilst my friend watched on, condoned it and I have actually had a bad reaction over the last few days where I feel abused by my friend, betrayed and ridiculed and completely humiliated. When I was leaving her house the dog was in between my legs, seriously impeding my ability to walk! She did nothing, nothing! I told my story to another friend and how upset I was and she frigging laughed! I asked her why she thought it was funny and she said that the image of me trying to walk with a squirming dog between my legs was funny! She is also a dog lover. I really think those bastards are sadists and extremely uncaring about other peoples feelings. I am very hurt and traumatised to think my friends think so little of me and do not consider that I would like some respect. I really think that dog lovers like to deliberately punish people they see as not loving dogs and think we deserve to be assaulted by the bloody things. Wow, that’s so smart, that’s really gunna make me change my mind about the disgusting creatures and their owners isn’t it! Perhaps they should be showing me how nice and well behaved their friends can be instead of constantly reminding me of why I hate dogs!

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