Should you battle feelings of inferiority by putting other people down?: A deliberately controversial post

Here’s our premise:

We don’t think people should feel inferior to other people.

Using feelings of inferiority to attack other people is not cool (even if they never know they’re being attacked).

There’s no point in negatively comparing yourself to other people because (with only a few arguable exceptions) someone will always be better on any dimension or set of dimensions.  Instead, focus on what you like, who you want to be, and how you can get there from here.

On personal finance sites, people will often say things like, “The Joneses may have that amazing house, but they probably have lots of credit card debt.  They probably have no retirement savings.”

But you know, some of the Joneses value housing or cars or what have you and although they are on track savings-wise, they’ve chosen to spend their money on the things you can see rather than other things you can’t.

And what’s really mind-breaking is that some of the Joneses got lucky and have high incomes.  Some of them made good choices when they were younger and are reaping the rewards of that now.  Some of them just have more money than you do.

And that’s ok.  (At some level we might want to argue about higher marginal tax rates and less corporate welfare, but for your average Neighborly Jones that’s probably not a first order concern.)

Yes, it might make you feel better to tell yourself that they have debt and you don’t.  Or they are stealing from their wealthy parents.  You can look down on them and lose all neighborly feeling.  And forget about learning anything from them.

And what happens if you find out that’s not true?  That they really are on track financially.  Do you go back to feeling inadequate and inferior?

The same kind of thing happens on mommy blogs.  The value-set is different than on pf blogs, of course.  Instead of houses and cars and retirement accounts, things like craftiness and cleanliness and “doing it all” (whatever that means) are the comparison sets.  But they say the same thing, well, this person with this pinterest page seems perfect, but there’s some area of her life that’s imperfect that she’s not showing me because she has to keep up her perfect persona.  (And the blogger saying this always posts the obligatory, “see my house gets messy so I’m not perfect” pic.  No offense to any blogger who has done this, but your house isn’t really messy.  Really messy is what you get when you don’t actually care if the house is clean.  And you shouldn’t have to pretend it is messy in order for people to like you.  You really shouldn’t.)

[Ah, you say, telling yourself that someone else has unadvertised weaknesses doesn’t hurt anyone… she’ll never know.  But the thing is, everyone else reading your comment gets the message that it’s not ok to succeed in all areas.  That we have to find and advertise weakness even where none exists in order to make people feel better.  It’s a way that patriarchy keeps strong women from achieving.  We’re always damned.]

We’ve posted on this topic before.   And I noted that I have work-friends who I admire who do everything I care about better than I do.  They’re amazing.  I could lie to myself and say their relationships aren’t as good or their kids aren’t as cute, but their relationships are good and their kids are cute (I do prefer mine of course, but that’s because I’m me and they’re my kids).  Heck, at least one of them is a great cook to boot.  For all I know they’re good at crafts too (who knows?  Not something we discuss at conferences.).  But I don’t have to lie to myself that they have hidden weaknesses.  Their amazingness about things I care about doesn’t diminish mine.  It just gives me something to shoot for (and means I have good taste in friends, and must not be completely obnoxious if they’re willing to hang out with me).

Finding our worth through comparisons of other people is never a winning proposition.  We are all amazing and growing in ways that are unaffected by other people’s accomplishments.  We all have our own preference sets that define what we care about.  We all have our own constraints that we’re working against.  We’re all different people with different starting points, different advantages, different preferences.  That’s a good thing!  There’s always going to be someone better at what we do, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy and proud of what we’ve accomplished or enjoy what we like.  Focusing on our internal locus of control is a much better way to lose those feelings of inferiority than trying to tell negative lies to ourselves about external things we can’t control.

The patriarchy wants us to feel inferior. We don’t have to listen to it. The first step is knowing that it’s ok not to. We don’t have to be worse than other people in whatever way just so they’ll like us.

Or maybe we do have to pretend to be worse than some people in order for them to like us… but maybe those people aren’t worth being liked by. Because who needs friends who want to tear us down instead of build us up?

So no, we don’t think that people should use feeling inferior as a reason to claim other people have weaknesses. That’s really only a band-aid solution to feeling self-confident anyway. It’s much better to stop doing the comparison to begin with, because there’s always going to be someone “better” at whatever it is you’re comparing yourself on.

Ok, Grumplings!  Do your worst (or best… whichever!). 


51 Responses to “Should you battle feelings of inferiority by putting other people down?: A deliberately controversial post”

  1. omdg Says:

    It doesn’t bother me when people have more than I do. What bothers me is when people who have more tell me that I should “just” do [whatever it is they do], and when I say I can’t because I don’t have whatever it is they have — family members who can drop everything and come watch my kid, a higher income, high family wealth — they tell me that I am not trying hard enough and that my attitude is my “real” problem.

    • omdg Says:

      Oh and time. I forgot that particular resource.

      • Revanche Says:

        Oh, those people who feel like they have the right to tell you anything about how you live your life and why you “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing .. whatever! Nope, my problem isn’t my attitude, it is you spouting off on things you have zero expertise in, begone with ye!

      • nicoleandmaggie Says:

        Ironic given the topic of the post!

        We’re totally telling people what they should and shouldn’t do! (Though maybe we get some points for tagging it deliberately controversial.)

  2. L Says:

    “Knowing” someone online is very different from knowing someone in person. Blog perfect is, I think, deliberately manufactured to fit whatever forum is being appealed to (pf, homedec, childcare, etc.). In-person perfect, as in real life friends, is much easier to accept because we know much more about the constraints under which that perfect happens. Totally agree, though, that “Finding our worth through comparisons of other people is never a winning proposition.” Not sure the patriarchy is completely to blame here, though. More that human nature always wants the easy way out, and that finding our OWN worth takes work.

  3. Holly@ClubThrifty Says:

    You make some really good points. First of all, I know I’ve said that the “Joneses are probably in debt, etc.” In some cases, it really is true. I know Joneses in real life who are literally in boatloads of debt, including one who is having financial problems yet on a Disney cruise at this very moment.

    BUT there are plenty of Joneses who are doing fine, way better than us. Some Joneses can afford to splurge on material things and put money away for retirement and college. That’s just the way it is.

    I am bad about comparing myself to other parents and women who can “do it all.” I honestly feel like I suck most of the time or that I really need to hire help. I just don’t see how working women can show up to Thanksgiving with 4 trays of homemade cookies or have full-on makeup (with lipstick) that looks great for eight hours. The painful truth is, some women just make all the domestic stuff look easy…or they have really good help! My husband’s sister is like that. She is a stay-at-home mom, but she honestly looks like Miss America from the moment she wakes up until the end of the day. I’m jealous. Happy for her, but jealous.

    I mostly try to do *my* personal best at all times, but there are definitely times when I don’t think it’s good enough. Right now I feel like I’m lucky to get everyone fed and have clean clothes every day. I think working at home hurts my self-esteem too. There is really no reason to dress up or put makeup on, so I never do. It just makes me feel frumpy to look in the mirror and see myself in loungewear all the time.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      I wonder what it says (do I want to make you feel better? do I want to be liked?) that my first instinct was to say, “If it makes you feel better, right now I really wish I’d washed my hair.” Which is true! But I’m putting myself down to try to make you feel better, and it really doesn’t matter if dressing up and make-up are so high up there they don’t even register on my grooming scale. Though I don’t feel jealous about people with clean hair, just a little irritated with myself that I didn’t make it a priority until it was noticeably late.

      • First Gen American Says:

        I might be able to answer the cookie question. I take thanksgiving week off from work. I also take a vacation day to do my Christmas cookie baking in December. Some of us are wired to be doing stuff all the time. Also some of us go through periods of burnout after particularly busy times and are not that productive at all.

        i personally find manual labor relaxing when my day job is intellectually challenging. When my job was brainless though, my downtime needed to be more intellectually stimulating.

      • Revanche Says:

        And I wonder what it says that my response tends to be sort of the same except more like: “If it makes you feel better, I didn’t brush my hair for more than a month and I only know this because I couldn’t find my hairbrush and it turns out that was because I never unpacked it from the travel bag. We last traveled in the summer.” And it honestly doesn’t feel like I’m putting myself down because I don’t feel an ounce of shame or regret about it. I just have really incredibly low standards and I’m fine with them but if it makes someone else feel better, I’m happy to share (a la, I am my messy house?)

        I don’t feel jealous of people who do groom like normal, I do bathe, I’m just *pretty* comfortable in my sloth.

  4. The frugal ecologist Says:

    Particularly in regards to the jones’ I think my mindset is, we’ve made different choices. Not good or bad just choices.

    I really hate the tearing down of women/moms (or women feeling like they need to issue a disclaimer). In cases where I have done this, it’s definitely come from jealousy. But generally I am happy to have awesome people around me & I am glad that other people prioritize other things. And the friends I have that are awesome at everything, I am just glad they are my friends!

  5. CG Says:

    I get what you’re saying, but I also think it’s true that no matter how awesome we are, we all have the same amount of time in the day. Choosing to spend your time on research, or teaching, or baking cookies, or exercising, or reading your kids stories means that you have less time available to do something else. So, when I look at someone who has a perfectly organized house, I say to myself, that person really cares about having a perfectly organized house, and must care more than I do, because s/he has chosen to spend his/her time on that instead of something else (doesn’t matter what else). Last night I chose to read a book instead of get all the crap off my kitchen counter, so that choice reflects my priorities.

    You don’t need to put anyone down, but I think it’s healthy to realize that people who appear to be able to do everything either a. need less than a normal amount of sleep or have more than a normal amount of energy, b. outsource some things, and/or c. do not do some things that are not apparent to an outsider. And if you want to do all of the things that they do, you’re going to have to drop or spend less time on some of the things you currently do that do not create outward signs of productivity. And you may not want to, so you should own your priorities.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      We don’t really all have the same time in the day though– like you say, some people really do need less sleep than normal. That’s really a fixed constraint for some of us not requiring trade-offs for them that we would have to make. But that’s ok! (I’m happy being a Beta…but not because I need to put down those terribly clever Alphas…)

      • becca Says:

        On the topic of the post- I’m reminded of Ani DeFranco “I’ll never try to give my life meaning/by demeaning you”.

        I would argue we all have the same time. And those of us that need more sleep to functional well, we simply have a GREAT investment opportunity that makes us smarter, fitter, and healthier. If sleep were a product to buy, I would pay a lot for it. I love my sleep so very much. Becoming a parent, and dealing with the extreme sleep deprivation phase, just made me realize exactly how wonderful it is.

  6. xykademiqz Says:

    It’s much better to stop doing the comparison to begin with, because there’s always going to be someone “better” at whatever it is you’re comparing yourself on.

    True. But I think it’s very hard to turn off these comparisons. Whenever I say that to myself, that I am not going to compare myself to others, a little voice comes out to say something along the lines of “That’s only because you know you’ll come out the loser.” Especially for the ambitious among us, it’s probably impossible to turn off the urge to compare.

    A lot of my self-esteem issues are exacerbated by cultural differences (I live in the American midwest, and am originally from Europe), as there is always an undercurrent of discomfort, like I really don’t belong here and someone will come kick me out any day now (I have a citizenship, so no one is kicking me out, but the feeling of unease never leaves. My husband, for instance, has never had this issue, even though he’s, I would say, less assimilated than me.)

    I have a colleague who’s universally adored, and she’s a nice woman, she never did anything to harm me. But she is so different from me in pretty much every way imaginable, she’s a native of this region, and everyone is always so gaga about her, that she’s like a funhouse mirror of everything that I can never be (and which appears is the right way to be around here). I don’t even think she’s better, she’s just so different along almost all coordinates, and every time yet another person would wax poetic about the colleague I would be overcome with horrible feelings of helplessness. It took me years of overcome the deep-seated jealousy. The way I did is that we interacted more, I got to know her, and then empathy took over. It’s hard to hate someone who’s basically a very nice person.

    Kudos to you guys for being tireless advocates for embracing awesomeness. I think for many of us it’s a struggle. I generally, by way of personality and/or upbringing, always tend to focus on the negative and on all the things I still do not have; it takes considerable mental effort to reframe it in terms of what I have achieved and what the good things are.

    • xykademiqz Says:

      So many typos… Sorry!
      impossible to turn OFF the urge to compare… tireless advocATES… BY way of personality…

      ed: fixed

      • Debbie M Says:

        I knew someone sort of like this. I hung out with computer majors in grad school (though I was a social science major myself), and a new female computer major came along and grabbed all their attention. They would go on about the shirt she decorated (I tried not to tell myself it was an excuse to look at her boobs), but I knew how to do that kind of decorating and wasn’t impressed. It was the same with all of her other exotic traits–they were things I no longer did or grew out of or which were not interesting to them when they had learned them about me. The worst was when I would think of something to say and then decide not to say it because it was too dumb, and then she would say it and it would be okay. (So actually, she was too much like me rather than too different.) Yet I did not like her.

        I tried to like her. All my friends liked her, so she was always around. Plus she liked to do all the fun things, so she was always attending them. She was certainly likeable. Though she had a few mildly annoying traits that drove me nuts, like leaving dramatic pauses in her stories and she would not continue until you asked her too. Finally, someone insulted her (I can’t even remember how anymore, but in some way that was totally unfair), and coming to her defense (in my mind–other people did so in real life) finally got me over that hump. Which is good. One of my friends ended up marrying her, and we’re still all friends today, over 20 years later. I actually talk to her more than most of my other friends now.

        Social life is weird.

  7. chacha1 Says:

    I think most people would agree that you SHOULD not cope with your own inferiority complex by bashing other people. However, I also think most people actually DO cope, etc., in exactly that way. Part of my own mindfulness practice is noticing when I’m about to do that and trying to put a lid on it. It’s extremely unattractive behavior, and self-destructive to boot.

    People with body-image issues constantly nitpick other peoples’ appearance. People with work insecurities constantly bitch about their co-workers. People who are sketchy drivers complain nonstop about how bad everyone else is at driving. And people who aren’t as creative as they think they could be (or maybe should be, there is an awful lot of Martha Stewart-type aspirational thinking going around) incessantly do just what you’ve identified, come up with some imaginary fault in the person who is displaying greater or more consistent creativity.

    I believe the only way to correct this is on an individual basis, by the individual being willing to stop, look, and listen to their own reactivity before opening their mouth or sitting down to type. Ultimately, such invidious comparisons create a toxic feedback loop in the insecure individual.

    Meanwhile the person being criticized for no good reason has to cope with that feeling we’ve all had, of being assaulted out of the blue by someone’s hostility that we’ve done nothing to earn.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Of course they do! Otherwise this post wouldn’t have to be written. :)

      And absolutely, individuals should stop, look, and listen. And they probably shouldn’t write blog posts encouraging people to make these kinds of negative comparisons. Just sayin’.

      • chacha1 Says:

        The world’s media would collapse if everyone agreed to stop encouraging comparisons. :-)

      • xykademiqz Says:

        And absolutely, individuals should stop, look, and listen. And they probably shouldn’t write blog posts encouraging people to make these kinds of negative comparisons. Just sayin’.

        I take it you have a specific post or posts in mind?

      • nicoleandmaggie Says:

        Sure– lots of public finance blogs talk about how the Joneses are in debt, and lots of mommy blogs say that woman with the perfect pinterest board hates her husband… or whatever. And it’s not hard to find a SAHM social media account confessing about her “unclean” house with pictures, which is usually just a couple of towels on the floor or a laundry basket on the couch or somesuch.

  8. Debbie M Says:

    This post reminds me of two guys I met in grad school (identical twins of each other) who actually really were better than me in virtually every way and certainly in all the ways that I was good. I had good grades; they had straight A’s and they had majors that would lead to higher paying jobs (computer science). But they could also write really well. I had great GRE’s, they had almost perfect GRE’s. I could play the piano; they could play better and one of them was so good he could melt me with his amazing playing. They were also good at things I wasn’t–they could run fast for long distances, do overhead volleyball serves, and make loads of friends. In fact, I could only figure out two things I could do better than them: embroidery (and other needle arts) and playing the recorder.

    So I tried to figure out how they got so good. I learned how to make straight A’s. I used to do all the reading, do all the homework, attend all the lectures and take notes, study all the important stuff, and maybe do some extra reading about the parts that were interesting. They would do all that too, plus pay attention to what the INSTRUCTOR thought was important and study THAT stuff, too, even if it meant doing a lot of boring memorization. Sometimes I’m willing to do that now, sometimes not. But at least I know.

    Also, they were kids of missionaries and grew up in Africa. They had no TV and of course they learned how to make their own bows and arrows and spears and stuff. They just had more time to learn how to do all those cool things.

    And finally one day my roommate and I talked them into joining us for Israeli folk dancing, which we had been attending for weeks (or maybe months). And they did not magically learn everything instantly. They learned faster than me, but they still had to learn.

    And that’s when I decided that if there were things I wanted to know how to do, I would just learn them. Even for things at which I am a slow learner, I am still learning. So since that period of time, I have become mediocre (instead of terrible) at playing the guitar, playing volleyball, playing ultimate frisbee, and rock climbing, I have become pretty good at ballroom dancing. I once ran a 10K in under an hour (58:58!). And now I’m learning Spanish.

    Oddly, now that they have gotten their high-paying, high-status, time-consuming jobs, I’m the one with extra time. So I’ve almost caught up to them in volleyball and am better in ballroom dancing.

    So my moral (mostly for me, but you can have it, too) is that if you’re jealous of someone, figure out if you can learn anything from them. (And I’ve noticed that for some people, I’m a little jealous, but I’m not willing to do what is needed to achieve the thing I’m jealous about. And so then I get to be happy that I don’t have to do that.)

    • Historiann Says:

      This is brilliant. Yes to the “just go learn it” attitude, but also especially to this: “if you’re jealous of someone, figure out if you can learn anything from them.” At a certain level of achievement and economic security, we’re in control of our lives, so Debbie M. is right on: own it! Own your time and choices, and embrace your ability to learn something new.

  9. Debbie M Says:

    But back to your topic, yes, feeling inferior sucks. It mostly bothered me when my friends had all these fun ideas for things to do, and I would just join them, feeling like some kind of social parasite. But then I figured out it’s a lot more fun to have fun ideas when people join you than when they don’t, so even though I’m still inferior because I don’t have my own ideas (or they’re not as good), at least I’m not a parasite.

    I think the main thing that helps with feeling inferior is feeling wanted and feeling like you belong. I don’t know the key to finding a place where you feel you fit in. For me, I have a boyfriend who gets me and accepts me even though of course we don’t match perfectly. And then for all the things that are most important, I have ways to fit in. No one else I know is my special combination of:
    * brainy like a nerd but disinterested in computer science and engineering +
    * peace- and diversity-loving like a hippie but hating mild-altering drugs +
    * goody-two-shoes like a Girl Scout but who never wants to go to church +
    * super risk averse, though I have no problem with moving cross-country or with investing in stocks.
    So I don’t fit in perfectly with my nerdly thrill-seeking friends but it’s still good. Unlike when I hang around academic advisors at work where I don’t understand their brains at all sometimes and I’m not sure why they are so alien to me (and vice versa).

  10. nicoleandmaggie Says:

    Radical self-love helps with this, but is sometimes a hard journey, too.

  11. Insect Biologist Says:

    Reading this post and the comments was really eye opening for me. I think the post is fantastic! But I couldn’t understand why it was labeled controversial until I read the comments. I’m now wondering how I got to be middle-aged without being aware of how prevalent envy is among friends and acquaintances. This post made me realize that I’m really lucky to have friends who are truly happy about my strengths and successes. And that maybe I should pay attention to whether I look for ways to put other people down when I’m feeling insecure about myself. Thanks for some good stuff to ponder!

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Yay having awesome friends! (And yay for staying away from blogs and fora that show the dark belly of this kind of stuff.)

    • Leah Says:

      I had this amazing friend in grad school who was super good at noticing and embracing the good in everyone. Even better, she would find tactful ways to remind me when I wasn’t doing that — if I were making comparisons, or putting someone down, etc, she’d politely steer me straight. I was always amazed and impressed at her level of conscientiousness with that.

      N&M, I do agree with you . . . but that doesn’t mean I find it easy to not do. Mindfulness takes practice, and I continually work on it.

  12. mareserinitatis Says:

    I really try not to be competitive, but there are times when it’s creeped up. A couple years ago, though, I got invited to an online enclave where the status quo was overwhelmingly positive. It took a bit of practice, but even when something was driving me nuts, I either learned to suck down my negativity to keep my mouth shut or look past the things I didn’t like and find a way to be positive. I think there’s a healthy element to saying most people are struggling with *something* so that you can work on building your own empathy (and I’ve been surprised at some of the people who really need it) but if that’s the only way to make yourself feel better, it’s more likely not them but a self-esteem issue.

  13. Comradde PhysioProffe Says:

    I don’t read any mommy blogs or personal finance blogs, and it is thus interesting to me that a common undercurrent is that “things aren’t really what they seem” in terms of people’s claimed accomplishments. Because in academia, everything is pretty much 100% transparent: your academic position, publications, grants, and other scholarly activities are all publicly available for anyone to see.

  14. Sandyl FirstgenAmerican Says:

    I have run into people like this (sadly, mostly other women) and my personal way to combat it is to be the opposite and highlight people’s awesomeness instead of pointing out their flaws. It’s been pretty life changing for me to do that and now I am surrounded by people who also embrace girl power to the fullest.

    I think part of it is a time thing too. A lot has changed in 20 years and I am happy to report that I see much more evidence of women looking out for each other than backstabbing. I think many of us realized that it hurts us all by knocking each other down. I am sure petty ignorant people are still out there, but thankfully in my workplace I have seen a lot of change over the last couple of decades.

  15. SP Says:

    Yes, this should not be controversial. And it likely doesn’t even make the person who is saying it feel any better, in the long run. Gratitude would be a better approach.

    I like to think I’m pretty good about this one in general, but it is something to be mindful of.

    I want to need less sleep and naturally have more energy. :/

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Me too!

      And I know there are dietary/lifestyle things I can do that result in needing less sleep and having more energy, but not on the order of hours.

      • Ana Says:

        Same. This is something I’m working on, but I can’t help occasionally feeling envious of people with more energy/time to do awesome things. I like the comment above about letting others’ awesomeness inspire you to learn new things—but that’s where the limits of energy/sleep-needs comes in. And I DO as many lifestyle/diet things I can think of to increase energy, to little actual benefit (I feel better during the day, but the amount of hours I can be focused and productive is still limited compared to what I see others do).

  16. Revanche Says:

    Re: earlier comment about this post being about telling people what to do – I totally didn’t read it that way :)

    Maybe that’s because I agree with it, generally. For me, other people’s situations are just that: theirs. Not mine and so how they got there or got that thing (unless it’s something that I can learn from or affects me) really doesn’t matter whether it was through bad choices or good choices or having come into an inheritance or or or.

    I *might* wish I had what they had but unless we’re talking about physical health where wishes are about as useful as bubbles, I don’t tend to have much brain space to spare for dwelling on it beyond a wishful “must be nice”. I suppose that’s what vent-blogging is for :)

    Very much like Debbie M says: If you want it? Go figure out how to make it happen. Supposing that they “must be [inferior in some way]” to make yourself feel better just looks like the easy way out IME. If you’re choosing to do that, fine, but know that you’re choosing not to try and that’s … y’know .. your CHOICE. Obviously there are people who are naturally better at you at some thing (or all things, who knows). What real difference does that make in your life if you just sit there dismissing it? Feels like being jealous that someone has a cup of tea. You COULD get off your ass and figure out how to make a cup for yourself, if you so desired. It might not be as good, or as hot, or as sweet, or it could be better. How do you know if you don’t try?

  17. Ana Says:

    I see two different styles of putting people down: 1) smugness. Basically look how awesome I am and you are not as awesome as me because you don’t save as much money/eat as healthy/exercise as much. This I’ve mainly encountered on-line, not so much in life, maybe because most people I associate with are well-mannered enough not to outright brag about their good habits? But what I see more of is 2) jealousy. That’s the “well maybe she can bake perfect cookies but her marriage must be a wreck” or “they may be able to afford that vacation but they are obviously in debt”. I must admit I’ve engaged in this kind of thinking before (more along the lines of “if she’s running marathons and baking cakes every day, her work MUST be falling behind”), and I’m ashamed of it. Maybe that co-worker really just is awesome in every sphere of life, and I fall somewhere further to the left on the bell curve. I need to learn to be OK with that.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Hm… we don’t mean to put anybody down with our awesomeness. We assume all our readers are also awesome. (I was going to say, “we assume everybody is awesome” but that is definitely not true. See: recent news stories.)

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