#1: here is a note to the universe: don’t ask me how wedding planning is coming. I realize you’re trying to make small talk, but it’s boring to me and it’s even my own wedding. Also? Not a lot has happened since we last had this conversation 2-3 weeks ago. Meh.
#2: oh, I forgot to ask
how is your wedding planning coming?
#2: (except I know– you have a venue and you have a date to look for dresses)
#2: If things were going poorly, I’m sure you could use the question as an excuse to vent. so the fact that you find such questions dull is a good thing!
Maybe you could respond that wedding planning is dull, but do you know how big a toddler’s poop can get? (as big as an adult’s, according to [redacted] and my own recent personal experience with toddler poop)
I can talk about horse poop….
#2: I bet horse poop is more interesting than toddler poop
but not as interesting as owl poop
owl poop is the best
well, owl pellets are the best
#1: yes, that is owl barf
#2: which is sort of like poop
but you know, different
#1: owl barf is fascinating
#2: it serves a similar purpose to poop without actually being poop
#1: “ugghhh, I ate too much bones.”
#2: but the actual response is probably, “It’s going fine. Nothing exciting happening, which is a good thing. How’s that toddler of yours?”
“Any interesting poops lately?”
“I hear that toddler poo is just fascinating.”
“Is that so?”
#1: have you ever compared toddler poop and horse poop? how do you feel about owls? we should be hired as small talk writers
Here’s my answer: the toddler grows up, and the horse needs its poop picked up for life
#2: horse poop probably smells better
#1: quite possibly. They’re all vegetarians.
#2: do vegetarians have better smelling poop?
#1: I’m not sure. But at least you can get used to the smell of horses — they eat only a few things, all horses all the time, eat the same few things.
What are your deep thoughts on poop? (Also, I know I should have put a poo-related pun there instead of “deep”… any suggestions? pressing thoughts?)