Man, so I’ve been scraping the 2010 and 2011 drafts for posts (it is insane how many unfinished posts we have), and I’ve been noticing how much more I dunno, prescriptive a lot of these posts are.
Like… how to do cognitive restructuring. On the importance of moxy. That post (It takes a village) from the other week about getting out and being with adults was actually written in 2011. I even have one that ironically talks about our students getting cognitive dissonance when we tell them they have to think in shades of grey.
It’s ironic, because I think as I age, some things get greyer. Like, meta-grey. I mean, sometimes things really are black and white and not shades of grey at all. Sometimes people go farther in life if they ignore ambiguity, even if things are grey. Who am I to say what is right or wrong. There’s even a post in here somewhere (vintage 2012 or 2013) talking about how people like to be told what to do, they like to be lead. And… I dunno, do they?
I do think part of it is I’ve spent the year surrounded by everyone being at least as smart and accomplished as I am and most people even more so. All my coauthored projects finished in the fall. I haven’t started anything new, no new collaborations etc. I’m sort of a silo surrounded by amazing people that I don’t often ask for help. And it has kind of eroded my confidence a bit. I do like it better being a little fish in a big pond because for whatever reason, I feel a bit uncomfortable as a big fish in a small pond. But man, have I got imposter syndrome. Maybe if I were getting more done, making more progress on my projects I’d feel more confident, but right now I’ve got a bit of “will I ever amount to anything” thing going on. Plus my big projects aren’t working and there’s too many of them and I’m having trouble finding direction. And I’m going back to teaching and service and things that make it hard to be productive very soon. If I can’t get things done while on leave, how will I get them done when I’m working full-time?
If I regain my confidence, will it be a false confidence, and will I realize it is so? Does it matter when moxy is so important?
So, I dunno, a bit of melancholy to add to the lack of certainty.
Or…. maybe those drafts have been sitting there since 2011 for a reason and I’m just overthinking.
Also… I can see that several of these posts were reactions to obnoxious parenting or personal finance blogs that I no longer read and may no longer even exist. It’s a bit easier to argue the opposite when someone is saying something ridiculous.
So… maybe this whole trying to compare posts from 5 years ago to now is just another lesson that no, it isn’t always about my internal omphaloskepsis; sometimes there’s an external factor. Usually it’s something else. Which is kind of comforting, really.
Has your certainty or confidence changed in the last five years? Have you noticed any other changes?