Ask the grumpies: How does a Gay woman in her mid forties date?

Anoninmass asks:

How does a Gay woman in her mid forties date….when only a small part of her wants to date in the first place?

Great question.  We’re both introverted, and near our mid-forties.  But neither one of us is gay and neither one of us has dated for a long, looonnnnnng time.  None of our lesbian friends have dated in a loooong time either (and yay marriage for those who want it!).  Hetero people we know seem to mostly be using dating apps and going on lots of dates of various levels of fun vs. terrible (or have decided that they don’t want to date at all).

You might find some wisdom over at Captain Awkward.

Here’s a blog post that we did not write.  Everything else google is giving me is either about people realizing they’re gay in their 40s or webpages for dating apps.

Do any grumpy readers have better advice for Anoninmass?

5 Responses to “Ask the grumpies: How does a Gay woman in her mid forties date?”

  1. j Says:

    I ended up on Match 4 years after my marriage ended (after prompting from a good friend). I wasn’t super invested in it as a definite way to meet people, but it turns out that I ended up meeting my wife! She was the second person I connected with on Match (the first was several states away, so ended up just being some emails for a few weeks). I think many many people use dating apps like these, and I’ve read all the horror stories, but my story turned out really well (we’ve been together for over 4 years, married for 1.5, and are very happy). OKCupid might be better for lesbians – you can usually register to be able to look around at who is listed in your area/etc, without having to make a profile, that way you can check out whether it seems worth it. My next method of meeting people was going to be to force myself to start asking around if anyone had gay friends that I could meet, and just old-fashioned network that way. But I loathed the thought – I was new to town with two small children and limited socializing time due to that and introvertedness.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Nice! Thank you!!! Yay Grumpy Nation!

    • Leah Says:

      OKCupid is how I met my husband (tho many years ago . . . ). At the time, there were definitely lots of people of all sexual preferences on there. OKCupid is great about letting people select all the different types of matches they are interested in. Since it’s free, time is the only investment needed there in making a profile. I think it’s worth checking out.

  2. Alice Says:

    Well, here is a longer path recommendation, coming from a heterosexual woman.

    I think it may be worth exploring why you’re feeling a push-pull with dating, with the larger part of you not really wanting to date. I know that I spent years not dating/not having relationships and thinking that it was who I was and that I was just fine with it. It took developing several severe stress-related physical issues to get me to a counselor… and a big part of counseling involved recognizing my issues and figuring out how to deal with them. Which included the things that were keeping me from pursuing relationships. Sometimes you need to work with someone else to figure out what you really want in your life and then figure out a way to get there. If you’re standing in your own way, it’s going to be an impediment to dating or to anything, really.

    I don’t know which relationship apps are best for gay women in your age range, but online dating worked pretty well for me once I did start working on it. I used Match. It was nice to check people out who I knew were actively looking for a relationship like the one I wanted. I enjoyed meeting the people I chose to meet, even the ones that I didn’t want to continue with. And I ultimately met and married someone. There were times when it felt like a chore to login, read messages, look at profiles, etc… but I’m pretty happy with the life I’m building now. The main thing I wish I could change in my history is that I wish I would’ve started counseling sooner and gotten on this path sooner.

  3. CG Says:

    A counterpoint…do you want to date or do you feel like you should want to date? It’s okay to not be in a romantic relationship for a while, or ever. You can have a fulfilling life surrounded by good friends and family and pets if you choose. If you are not sure you want to date but want to be open to the possibility, go out and do things you’d enjoy anyway (community theater, cross country ski club, trivia night?!) and enjoy the people you meet there. At the very least, you’ll be doing things you find fun and likely make some friends with common interests. If you’re so inclined, one of those friendships might turn into something more. And yes, of course, you can do the online thing, but if you’re not up for putting a ton of energy into it that might be more than you want to do right now (based on my SIL’s recent experience, it seems like it can be a big time commitment). Sending you love as you figure out your path.

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