My sister just got married. We really like her husband!
But that meant I had to see my parents. I don’t talk about it much– I think maybe there’s just one post? But I am estranged from my parents. It basically started with me trying to set one small boundary: My father being able to visit without having a toddler-level temper tantrum. And ended with both my parents blowing past boundary after boundary after boundary. The final straw was my mother writing to my mother-in-law to ask her if I abused my kids. (I do not and my kids are flourishing.)
The months and weeks before the wedding I just couldn’t think about it. Usually whenever something is going to happen, I spend a lot of time pre-thinking, running through every possible scenario and figuring out my potential reactions and what I want my end-goal to be (if I don’t, I usually screw up because I am NOT very good under pressure). But with this I just couldn’t. I would just go numb and my brain would switch to some other topic.
I knew though that something was wrong because the week before the wedding my bottom lip was covered with cold-sores, which is what happens when I get anxious. So I knew the kind of numb feeling wasn’t actually a real calm. We opted out of the reception dinner the night before (we weren’t in the wedding party) and the brunch the next day. But we figured if I wanted to spend more time with my mom we could always change our minds and book a hotel. Though again, my subconscious must have been saying no because we were a half hour out from our house on the day of the wedding when we realized we hadn’t packed any spare clothes or anything to sleep in.
My mom showed up and I felt emotion– I felt hurt and anger. I am apparently still really really angry about her writing to my MIL. She said she hadn’t seen us in a while and we’d become middle-aged and gotten a lot of grey hair. I told her my my sister was upstairs in another room. She left and I needed to process. I think I still need to process.
I’d thought it was just my mother coming because the last thing my sister said, my father had decided not to come because he whatever. But of course they always change their minds at the last minute and he probably wanted to be cajoled. I don’t know. I didn’t talk to my sister about it. Anyhow, he showed up and interrupted a pleasant talk we had been having with an aunt and uncle of the groom about their recent trip to Italy. It took a LOT of both DH and me saying that we did not want to talk with him and him saying things like, “I thought you would have mellowed by now” and appealing to DH (they always appeal to DH as if I’m being unreasonable) in front of a lot of people before he left us alone. It was complete silence after that until we were thankfully sent on another errand (getting toilet paper for the port-a-potties). My father kept creepily coming by and staring at us from around corners. We ignored him.
After the wedding one of my aunts talked to me about “but faaaaamily” and how I needed to forgive and how their hearts were broken and there are two sides to every story. And she understands I’m hurt but she had a heart attack and realized etc. etc. etc. I told her that if I feel differently after I have a heart attack, I will make decisions at that time. She “ended” by saying she’s not going to lecture me, but I said it was too late for that (ended in scare quotes because she actually went on a little bit after saying she was going to end). I don’t think I have been that rude to anybody in decades, but also I think if I had to go back I would be even ruder and start off by saying it’s none of her business, in the off chance that would have cut her lecture short. Or maybe I would have told her she’s an enabler, and my mom is abused, and if she actually wants to help, she should put her focus on there instead of on coddling and enabling my father’s poor behavior. But I didn’t think of that at the time. I just reacted and tried to shut down.
Then my father and that aunt tried to give us a shirt from my father that I had said I didn’t want like 7 years ago but my mother had said she wanted to work out in the midwestern winters. Basically my father gets free t-shirts from a mutual fund and I was ok with taking them when they were short sleeve (they’re ok for sleeping or working out), but I don’t need any long sleeve shirts because I live in the South. (And I didn’t actually *want* them to begin with and I don’t want anything from him now.) DH says this really encapsulates my father– he tries to give things to create an obligation or for control and it’s junk you don’t want and he won’t take no for an answer and these women enable him. They tell *me* to take it and burn it, but they don’t tell him no. As if dealing with him is my problem, which it isn’t. After I wouldn’t take it, they tried giving it to DC2 (DC1 couldn’t be there because of school). Fortunately DC2 followed our lead and ignored them after the first attempt.
My mother looks more worn-down. My father looks hale and hearty, despite being 8 years older. Any attempts to justify his actions or to prey on my sympathy because of problems with his health have been greatly exaggerated. He’s crazy, but no crazier than he has been most of my life. I don’t think it is age-related dementia after all. He just is this awful and has always been this awful.
My other aunt, the one who married a good normal man, didn’t bring anything up and when my sister mentioned to her the situation between my parents and me at dinner to explain the seating arrangements, she said this wasn’t the first time she’d been used as a buffer at a family event and was happy to do so and then dropped the topic and didn’t bring it up again. On our way home, I remembered how so much of my life goals were based on when we would visit them at Christmas– I wanted an upper-middle-class lifestyle in a good school district in a place that had fun ethnic food (one year they got some kind of Mediterranean flatbread from a local place that blew me away) and there was no yelling or picking at people. It was the one thing that made me think that healthy family dynamics were real and not just something made up for sitcoms. Anyhow, she was delightful even if my other aunt was not.
And I think I have reached those goals– our house is peaceful. DH and I love each other and support each other. We provide a calm supportive environment for our kids as best we can.
For any of you who are in a situation where you’ve tried to set boundaries and those boundaries have been completely ignored. Who have had well-meaning enablers try to work on you instead of the person who actually has the problem. It is SO MUCH BETTER when you don’t have to tiptoe. When you don’t have to have your plans continually upset. When you don’t have to deal with someone who has no business controlling you trying to control you. When you don’t have to deal with inevitable tantrums. When nobody is picking at your driving ability or calling you names or asking if you’re an idiot. And so on…
Now we look forward to holidays like Christmas, spending them with DH’s family without tiptoeing or frustration or fear.
Yes, I am upset about and worried about my mother. But also I have accepted that I cannot control her actions. She has chosen to enable her abusive husband over having any relationship with me– he will not allow her to have any relationship with me unless he is equally included. The last straw was her writing to my MIL, though there were many straws before that. She is an adult, and I cannot break the abusive situation that she has been in for five decades and it’s not my job to do so. Knowing that is freeing.
All I can do is control my own actions and protect my own small family. I can support my sister who still interacts with them and gave up on “but family-ing” me several years ago (about the time her new husband met them). When you’re in this kind of situation it is hard to get out. When you’ve never been in this kind of situation, it seems crazy from the outside. When you’ve had some distance, you can realize how crazy it all is. And how it’s not your fault.
Grumpy Rumblings (of the formerly untenured) 