Merry Christmas!

For those who celebrate it.  Happy winter holidays otherwise!

Grumpy Rumblings will be taking a break this year between Christmas and New Year.  Why this year and not previous years?

One of us is traveling this entire period.  The other of us has a small, energetic, fearless, and destructive child with no daycare for two weeks (the current daycare doesn’t have back-up holiday childcare and we haven’t found anyone else who can help) and her spouse hasn’t been working long enough to have vacation time.  That means neither of us can do much on the internets.  (Not even on the ipad!)

Of course, we’ve been around for quite some time (2010 is a long time in blog years)– that means we’ve built up quite an interesting repository of posts for you to read on all sorts of topics.  Revisit some of your favorites or find some new-to-you posts to read while you await our return with the January mortgage update.

Here’s a link of links to get you started if you can’t think where to look.  Or click on any of the tags over to your right.  Or just pick a random date from the Archives and start reading.  Unless you’re a completest, in which case you should start from today’s post and work back or the first post and work forward.  There’s a lot of good stuff in there.

We’ll miss you!  But we’ll be back.  :)

Some notes for book publishers and all types of writers

• We really really need to stop titling novels “The [X]’s Daughter”.  Not only are they hard to tell apart, and way overdone, but must we continue to define girls and women this way?
• Alternate titles:
  “The woman in relationship only to herself”
  “The woman defined as her own person rather than as her relationship to another”
• Also, why does everything have “: A Novel” in the title?  For real, you think we can’t tell it’s a novel?  Stop with cutesy titles and just call things the names of novels!  I know it’s really hard to think of good new names, but start now.
• Could we maybe have pop songs retire the phrase, “You’re a good girl”?  I get that they’re into the whole madonna – whore thing, but can’t we retire it?
• Note:  it is ok to use the phrase, “You’re a good girl” if the song is about an actual canine.  But you can’t then put sexual euphemisms or overt sexual stuff in there because dogs can’t consent.
• We are happy to see women’s heads back on covers.
• Misogyny, I hate you.

Strategies for not maxing out

Recently Laura Vanderkam had a post discussing yet another book written about the meme that mothers who work full-time are all stress-cases over-doing everything all the time.  You know the one that’s part of the patriarchy’s plan to keep women out of the labor force?

Rather than quitting your day-job and becoming a free-lance writer who writes articles for the NYTimes on how hard it is to be a neurotic working mother, or a book-writer or life-coach telling other people how they can quit their jobs to work part-time telling people to quit their jobs to work part-time… there are less draconian (and less MLM) ways that people can control their stress levels and time use.  This is especially true for the upper-middle-class folks that LV’s blog seems to be mostly aimed at.

We make a lot of money, but my parents did not (and my mom’s dual working parents did not). Still, they were able to spend on things that were important, and one of those things that was important was hiring people to drive my sister and me to places we needed to be during regular working hours when my parents had to work. A college student can take kids to the dentist. Like my grandma always said, “Hire good help.”

Many schools now offer after school care and even before school care.  Most of my colleagues partake of this offering in the local publics, and the after school care at DC1’s private school is so popular that the SAHM complain that their kids want to go to after school care instead of going home with mom.  That extra two hours that you don’t have to worry and you can just pick your kid up when the work-day is done are well worth the $50-$200 we pay every month (depending on the month).

Meal planning can take more mental power than it should, especially when you’re tired and hungry and exhausted from a day at work and need to recharge with food before you can think about food.  Having quick healthy cheap food routines is important. I have a bunch of these standard meals memorized, and the microwave has made things even faster.

The reason I have these standard meals memorized is because from an early age I was taught to do chores, and I started cooking the occasional meal by myself at age 7. Kids can chip in and take off some of the burden. My six year old is in charge of things pertaining to hir. Sometimes ze forgets to bring hir homework or a jacket (or to wear dress clothes on full-dress day), but that just reminds hir next time.

I don’t have to be everything all the time. I can even delegate the mental load for things as my children get older. And they can handle that. Kids are more capable than many of us think.

What are your strategies for not “maxing out”?

A little link love

I would totally buy these Christmas cards.  So true!

Legally, you cannot be fired for infertility treatment.

When “life hacking” is really just white privilege and assholery.

Why people remain devoted to their home libraries.  Ooh.  (Pretty pretty.)

Good ole rich Percival Boner.

Delagar with Contrarians, not Conservatives.  Science backs this one up, yo.

And a reminder for those of you thinking about ever retiring… you might gotta work longer and/or save more!

g-g-g-google

Q:  what to do after tenure

A:  be awesome.

Q:  should i consolidate my ira from tiaa cref to vanguard

A:  I don’t think you need to, but it’s up to you.  Which is most convenient for you?

Q:  if you start college in january. do you have the summer off

A:  it depends on your choices.

Q:  how to help a gifted student who is slow at timed math tests

A:  practice, and alternate methods.

Q:  when did you realize you had a big one

A:  High school.  (When I got the chance to compare.)

Q:  do grades in social work school matter

A:  We doubt it.

Q:  what makes me have a bitch face

A:  My mother.  (Nature?  Nurture?  You decide!)

Q:  is it more sanitary to wash dishes in sink full of water or dish by dish

A:  get a dishwasher.

Q:  how to clean and organize a dusty messy miserable horrible kitchen

A:  hire someone.  Even your friend.  Pay them in beer and pizza, or cook them something nice in your wonderful new redesigned kitchen.  (Or money for a professional.)

Q:  questions to ask kindergarten admissions directors

A:  Those are a thing?  Must be one of those coastal things.  Heck if we know.

Feral kitties

So, as chill and amazing as we seem and under control etc.  Something is stressing one of us out.

Four somethings, in fact.  (And the occasional opossum.)

About 3 weeks ago, a tiny black kitten got stuck in our garage.  It was cold and awful that first night so we didn’t let it out until the next day, and we thought we’d gotten it out the next day but the extra food etc. ended up having been eaten so it took another day with the door open for it to actually escape.

We put food on our back porch with the hope of the kitten and the mom reuniting.  And after seeing a baby tiger kitty, a mama tiger, and a scared black kitten we thought they had.  Over the course of a week or two, mamacat went from dull and scrawny to a beautiful glossy kitty.  She’d been taking good care of her kittens, but definitely needed more food for herself.

Regular feeding left them hanging out on our porch during the sunny weather.  The kittens remained elusive and skittish, but mama cat would almost get into touching distance when I fed them.  They disappeared during cold and rainy weather.  And I worried.

I am a firm believer that it is wrong to feed feral kitties without getting them spayed and neutered.  So I did web searches and I called our vet and DH called animal control and our local humane society and some other vets.  After talking to enough people we got instructions and rented traps and made a vet appointment and set out the traps.

We caught a little tiger kitten right off.  We transferred him to a carrier and set the trap out again.  Around midnight DH transferred two(!) little black kittens out of the trap into a carrier and reset the trap.  In the morning we found we’d caught an opossum but not mamacat.  Opossums are freaky and I do not like them.  Fortunately they only seem to come out at night.

The kittens spent that day at the vet, we found out the tiger was a boy and the black kittens both girls.  No fleas or FIV or anything that could harm our resident cats.  They’re small but 14 weeks old.  The internet suggests they’re too old to domesticate.  But the vet said she thought we had a chance.  In any case, they needed to stay inside to heal for a day or two.  Two weeks to heal fully, if wanted to do that.

And then the weather turned absolutely awful.  Sleety-awful.  So we kept the kittens inside in the guest bedroom suite.

Mamacat was heart broken.  She wailed for her babies.  While they were still healing up in their carriers we brought them out to the patio and they cried at each other.  But we failed at catching mamacat in the patio or in a trap.  Then we let the kittens into the guest bedroom so we can’t use them as bait anymore.  She’s since stopped wailing for her babies.

We caught another opossum two nights later.  And another two nights after that.  But still no mamacat.

And she’s stopped coming by every night, more like every other night.  She no longer lets me near while she eats.  She’s gotten good at eating food out of the first third of the trap, but no more.  (We can tell when we have an opossum, because they leave no scraps.)  The vet and the humane society say to keep trying.  Maybe she’ll be back when the weather gets better.  I suspect we’re just going to keep catching possums.

So I worry.  I don’t want mama to have more babies.  I don’t want the kittens to be out there defenseless not knowing how to hunt.  I don’t really know what to do.  If we let the kittens out we will probably catch them in the trap again instead of mama.  We don’t ever see the kittens– they eat and poop in the litter box and make amazing messes, but only when nobody is in the room.  When someone is in the room, they hang out in the guest bed box springs.

Most of the advice for taming feral kittens seems a bit cruel, separating them and caging them and forcing them to be petted against their will.  And all those sites say these kittens are too old anyway.  This one is a bit more gentle and hopeful, but I think we’re not doing it right either, what with the box springs instead of a cave, and not actually being there for them to watch while they eat.

So I’ve destroyed a family bond.  Mamacat can still have more babies.  And we have three defenseless feral kittens in our guest bed boxsprings who are unlikely to be tamed.  Also our HOA says we’re only allowed 2 cats, and we already have those.  (The city has our back on the feral cat colony thing although the woman at animal control had no idea what we were talking about when we mentioned it.  Still, their webpage is really clear.)  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing.  I don’t know what the right thing to do going forward is.

And that’s the kind of thing that stresses me out.  Maybe not human lives at stake, but real lives nonetheless.

What are we getting for people?

Lessee…

MIL completely remodeled her kitchen and is removing the 1990s style country accents and replacing them with red things.  So we bought a whole lot of red things, including an ice cream scoop since theirs kept breaking on me last Christmas.

FIL dropped a hint that he wanted a specific expensive book by a hunter about bow hunting, so we did that.  (Not available on Amazon.)

BIL1 gets a game.  SIL1 gets colored pencils off her wish list.  Nephew1 gets sheet music to Mario Brothers.  Niece gets a box of books about a character who shares her first name.

SIL2 and BIL2 get a fancy crock-pot off their wishlist.  Nephew2 gets an assortment of books I would recommend for a 1-2 year old.  He also gets a contribution to his 529.  (Why none for the other sibs– It’s Nephew2’s first Christmas and we made the offer for BIL1’s kids, but BIL1 never got around to setting up an account, so we didn’t contribute.)

My sister requested a checked luggage.  So I got her that.

My mom I will get a B&N gift certificate, though I think I’ll up the amount from $50 to $60 this year.

My father we usually buy some hard liquor.  He tends to like high quality on-the-sweet-side stuff.  We’ve done fancy rum and fancy brandies the past few years.  Also some apple jack that I suspect he didn’t like as much.  I wonder if I can get Dumante delivered to their place…  No, scratch that.  This just in:  He doesn’t want any more alcohol and they’ve switched to a no-sugar diet.  Uh…

Are you getting anything fun for people on your list?

On the importance of networks

Most jobs are found via networks.

DH found his new job via networks.  At the time he accepted, another member of his network was urging him to come out for an interview so they could give him a counter-offer.  People who know DH academically know he does good work and is responsible and amazing.  They’re willing to go to bat for him with bosses or to hire him directly as a telecommuter.

Scaring up new, local, networks had been much more difficult for DH.  He met people at happy hours and networking events.  He tapped linked in and asked former colleagues to introduce him to people.  But it didn’t get very far.  Maybe that’s because the job market here is different, or maybe it’s because the new people DH has met have no real reason to trust he’s high quality enough to go to bat for him.

But why do our older networks have these opportunities?  DH and I both went to elite graduate schools.  We also went to an elite high school.  (Our colleges were elite too but for some reason we’re not as networked there, not sure why not.  I bet my college roommate could get me a job if I needed one… but she also went to my grad school.)  Our friends have done really amazing and lucrative things with their lives.

The advantages from our high school, in particular, weren’t as obvious when we were younger.  But now many of our friends are millionaires and entrepreneurs (also professors and doctors).  They help each other out.  Heck, one guy buys up companies so he can hire his friends to work at them.

It makes me wonder about my kids… I have no desire for them to leave home for high school, but perhaps a gifted and talented high school experience will serve them well in their later years.  Well, that and DH’s family has a long history of marrying their high school sweethearts.  Maybe we should send our kids away to an academically talented boarding school for high school so that their later life will be more connected.

Have you ever tapped a network for job opportunities?  Where did you meet those people?  How did it work out?

Another late link love

I don’t know what #2’s excuse is, but I’m way behind in grading.  An the ipad is no good for making link loves.  And I have an annoying cold.  Also people are wrong on the internet and I had to correct that before finishing this this morning.

Dr. Koshary brings us office hours in opera form.  Except without all the sex.

this is really cute, especially towards the end: http://www.viralnova.com/santa-photos/

Laura Vanderkam asks about albums that conjure up memories.  She also notes you don’t have to be a SAHP.

A half baked life discusses a terrible birthday party she took her daughter to.

kittens.

regression to the mean in platypus

Prof Cero says no to donating money to support a for-profit.

the more egalitarian a household is, the less housework gets done altogether.

http://theuglyvolvo.com/2013/12/10/a-ten-month-olds-letter-to-santa/

http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/the-28-funniest-notes-written-by-kids-in-2013

How to peel mandarin oranges.

A cautionary note about FMRI studies.

And, as everybody has probably seen already this week, Oxford comma is your friend.

ZOMG  Owowowow.

Miser Mom shows one way of bringing more fun to Christmas chores.

oh shitballs, Texas: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2520191/Last-words-Texas-student-Cameron-Redus-shot-dead-college-cop.html

Books for 3 year olds

CPP asks:

Can you two suggest some good books for two-three year-olds? Want to buy some for our twin nieces. And if you have a blogge post on this topic, link would be great!

Three is a fun age– three year olds understand things and they can talk and they have great senses of humor.  That means you can break away from books that are just animal sounds and opposites etc. and into things that parents enjoy as well.

Probably our favorite author for this age is Mo Willems.  We especially like Don’t Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late!, and Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!, and all the others in the Pigeon series!.  Knuffle Bunny, while not as much fun for the parents to read, is also enjoyed by the children.

Sandra Boynton is more popular at this age, and is always popular among parents.  Blue Hat, Green Hat is always good for a laugh.  And there’s cute little boxed sets you can get of her stuff.

If You Give the Mouse a Cookie— quite popular among the pre-school set, a bit less fun for the parents.  There’s a big series of these as well.

Llama Llama Mad at Mama is a fun one.  Again, there are others in the Llama Llama series.  Some of these others seemed a bit out of touch for kids with a working mom, but whatever.

As we mentioned in our email to you, 3-4 year olds tend to be dinosaur mad.  You can get any book about dinosaurs, fiction or non- and it will be devoured.  How do dinosaurs do X? is a cute series– even though it’s not really about dinosaurs (real dinosaurs presumably didn’t clean their rooms), it does have drawings and the names of real dinosaurs in it.  Some kids are really into Thomas the Train Engine or Dora the Explorer or construction trucks at this age, but that would be something to ask your relatives about as some kids never really get hooked by these.

And, of course, there is always Dr. Seuss.

If you dislike your relatives (the parents, not the children), you can go a bit more grim.  DC1 loved the Gruffalo, but it creeps me out.  Laura Vanderkam’s kid thinks that I Want My Hat Back is great, but my DC2 certainly does not need permission to use violence against people who take hir stuff (as that is already hir natural inclination).

Beginning readers may enjoy Step Into Reading Step 1 books.  Hot Dog was a favorite of DC1.    Cat Traps was another.  There are a whole bunch of these.

If the kids are wunderkinds, 3 is a good time to start The Magic Treehouse.  But this series is of chapter books, and most kids aren’t reading, much less reading third grade level.  We do have a post on what books a three year old who is reading chapter books would enjoy, but that’s probably not what you’re looking for.  The Magic School Bus is another fun series for the more advanced reader.

You may be thinking of chapter books that parents can read to their children at this age.  The Wizard of Oz is a good one.  Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle another good one.  Frog and Toad is another good one (who doesn’t love Arnold Lobel?)

What recommendations do you have for CPP?