Musings on a potential second kid

We already talked about whether or not I was ready to have a child #2.  I’m still not gung-ho crazy like I was for baby #1, but babies are starting to look vaguely cute, DC has indicated that ze would be interested in having a sibling, and DH is starting to really get into the idea.  Possibly we have been getting too much sleep.

Because I’m sort of ready and not really gung-ho, we’re going to do this slowly and not start fertility treatment at least for another year.  I’ve got possibly another decade before it becomes impossible (unless I get Premature Ovarian Failure, which does run in the family, but probably not for another few years yet).  So there’s some time.  I’ve been kind of hoping kid #2 would come as a surprise after the first trimester was over, but that’s probably a foolish hope given how much my body dislikes keeping food down when enciente.

My regular doctor moved to Australia, where I understand they never have terrible horrible awful very bad days, so I signed up to be a new patient for the doctor who actually delivered my baby (since my then-OB/GYN was busy with an emergency c-section).  It’s going to take two months to get a first appointment!   You’d think we were living in a city… but really there just aren’t that many good OB/GYN around.

At that appointment I am going to request metformin (an insulin sensitizer) because I don’t want another miscarriage, and it may help me to ovulate.  But that’s the extent of my planned intervention for the year.  No OPK*s, no IUIs, no 4d u/s.  Nada. I won’t even test CM and I certainly won’t chart (no angsty 2ww updates for you all).  It’s probably just as well that my first appointment will be after conference season but slightly before classes.  I can ramp up and get some of the metformin-based vomiting out of the way ahead of time.

I have started hardcore vitamins.  Not prenatals because they make me throw up, though next time I’m in the city I’m going to see if they still make the fru-fru prenatals that didn’t make me throw up last time.  But I’m not just taking a children’s chewable either.  The centrum make me nauseated, but thus far no actual system removal.  I’ve been alternating them with the children’s chewable every other day.  It’s terrible how I can be anemic, yet my body does not want me to have iron and who knows what else.  If it gets bad I’ll double up on the children’s chewable again.

In terms of $$ we might have to make some cuts… if DH doesn’t get tenure either we’re going to move for a job and make more moneys (with a higher cost of living) or we’ll stay here and it will take some time for DH to get back up to the salary he’d had before.  I should get a raise with tenure but not enough to offset his salary.  And we’ll be on the hook for both daycare and private school tuition.  We may have to hire a lawn mowing person again as well.  Who needs fancy cheese anyway?  We still have 10 years left on the mortgage if we stop prepayments.  It’s crazy how when I started this job I thought my salary was amazingly high, but now we need both our salaries to keep our standard of living… of course, if we’d been getting COL raises maybe we wouldn’t be feeling the pinch with these additional expenses.  (And, of course, there’s saving for infertility treatment if we decide to go that route.)

I have a girl’s name picked out, but no clue on a boy’s name.  I recently found out that a couple generations back, there was a Kermit in the family… for some reason that gentleman decided to go by his middle name instead.

*If you don’t know what these acronyms stand for, trust me, you don’t want to know.

So, we’re pretty happy with our lives now and there’s lots of potential change in the future.  Are we crazy for not waiting?  Are we crazy for not going more planned?  What boys names do you like?  Blogger #2 likes Max.  (#1 doesn’t)

40 Responses to “Musings on a potential second kid”

  1. First Gen American Says:

    I liked short boys names myself like Guy, Max, Ian, stuff like that but Husband hated them all so our kids have a compromise name that we both can live with.

    Would you consider moving to a smaller/cheaper house if finances get tricky? You’ve said a bunch of times it’s bigger than you need.

    For me, I got nutty with trying for the second child and then had a miscarriage to boot, so it was filled with emotion. For some reason, paying childcare for 1 kid didn’t seem so bad. Paying for 2 though got very expensive and things felt very tight til we got one of the mortgage paid.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Well… since our school districts changed, our house has lost about 30K in value, meaning that a smaller house in a better district actually costs about the same. Daycare is about 7K/year, private school + care is about 10K/year, even public school + care is about 3K/year. So that does kind of eat into a salary.

      A smaller house in our neighborhood would be about 30K less. A smaller house near where students live would be about 100K less… but… students…

      With the sudden drop in our property values it doesn’t look like we would gain much from selling after all the transaction costs (plus having to keep the house looking nice on top of that). Presumably with the redistricting, our school district will have higher test scores in a couple of years and we’ll recoup some of that lost value, but who knows.

  2. Linda Says:

    Procreation seems so complicated these days! Wow!

    Since I’m child-free and loving it, it’s easy for me to say “Hells yes, you’re crazy!” But I assume as a mother your brain gets a pleasant endorphin rush or some such thing that makes you want to not shut your child in a box when they get annoying and maybe even gestate another one. (Just being honest here…I truly don’t get the urge to make children_at_all_)

    I do realize that if everyone were like me, though, homo sapiens would cease to exist, so I will instead be supportive of your urge. You seem to be a great mother who cares about raising a good human.

    Multi-vitamins make me nauseous, too, unless I take them with food. Good luck with your attempts!

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Most people it isn’t so complicated! My body is just broken is all. (So keep using protection if you don’t want kids!)

      • Linda Says:

        Oh yes, that has been *permanently* taken care of. Or, at least as permanently as possible w/o removing organs.

        BTW, I have a few friends with PCOS and I’ve heard about all the hardship they’ve gone through to get pregnant. Unfortunately neither of my friends were able to achieve a pregnancy and both are unable to try anymore. At 30, one had her uterus removed due to a rare form of cervical cancer (not HPV-related so she made the medical journals which was her “consolation prize,” I guess), but at least she got to keep her ovaries so the one that works is still kicking out some essential hormones. The other (also in her early 30s) just had a complete hysterectomy a few months ago because she had endometrial cancer and it was too risky to leave the ovaries in. She’s now on HRT.

        Again, I really wish you the best in your attempts. It sounds immensely complicated and heart-breaking when your reproductive system isn’t cooperating. I wish I could give mine away to someone who would use it. (Although, I really don’t know if it is capable of making a baby, it gives al indications that it functions normally.)

      • nicoleandmaggie Says:

        Wow, that’s really sad, and scary too. I am very blessed to have the one, even if we can’t have a second.

  3. Kellen Says:

    Wow, after reading about all that puking, having children sounds horrible! (Plus when they’re done making you sick, they use all your money?)

    So essentially, if we were all rational, maybe there wouldn’t be any babies. So, what I’m trying to say is, there will always be rational reasons for waiting, but you should probably ignore those and just go ahead and have the baby :).

    Also, 50% of Americans support a whole family on $50,000 or less, and I’m sure you earn more than that. Then again, those kids don’t get to go to private school, hmm.

    So, you made tenure, but DH doesn’t know yet, and if he doesn’t get it you’d move to a new place where *neither* of you have tenure instead? But that would be a place that gets you more moneys? A lot may also depend on whether you can sell your house by that time too – moving then doesn’t seem to make sense if you have tenure, he has a job, even without tenure, and maybe your house won’t sell for much. But then, I only know a tiny smidgen of the situation.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Most women don’t throw up quite as much as I do. No, I have not yet made tenure. There’s still a possibility I might not get it either, but my case isn’t as on the margin as DH’s.

      If we don’t get tenure, then there is a possibility that we move to working in the private sector, where people with our degrees make 6 figure salaries minimum. (Even working for the government!)

      Our house isn’t actually worth all that much, so selling or not selling shouldn’t kill us. In any case, it would probably be a 30K loss if we wanted to sell Right Now.

  4. bogart Says:

    Sounds good to me. As you know, I did extensive treatments for #1 and also several unsuccessfully trying for #2, so it’s at least possible I’ll have to go hide in a corner green with envy at some point in this process, but not to worry.

    Among the many things pursuing treatment taught me is that, for me, the most useful question was, “If I try this and it doesn’t work, will I regret having tried it?” Perhaps that also works in your case, as in, “If I do [plan specified above] for a year and it doesn’t work …” It seems a bit more difficult to know as there are then different possible outcomes, i.e., if after a year you do pursue treatment and it works or it doesn’t, and those could be very different experiences in terms of subsequent regrets (not the treatment, I mean, but the decision to delay). (Technically this was also true in my case; I tended to view outcomes as binary — achieve pregnancy or not — but of course there are outcomes beyond that one that can be good or very, very bad (I will say I was routinely absurdly conservative, as compared to what’s typical/recommended, about how many embryos I allowed to be transferred for IVF, evidence that I wasn’t totally clueless about the non-binaryness of outcomes)). But also, though I don’t know your complete medical/reproductive history, I’m not aware of any reason to think you’d benefit from treatment (beyond metformin) as opposed to just patience.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Well, I benefit from Clomid too, but as my last Clomid experience ended up in a miscarriage, I’m a bit shy these days. Plus I’m no longer in a big city with 4/d u/s so they can’t actually monitor and I know better than to take Clomid blind. My main problem is anovulation. Since stopping bf (which kept me 28/day), I’ve had a 50+ day cycle which means I might be ovulating, but might not. When I was trying for #1 I had a 90+/day cycle or had to Provera challenge to start again.

      • bogart Says:

        “I know better than to take Clomid blind.” Gosh, maybe you should be an OB! You seem to know more than many do (just judging from word on the street here, no direct experience).

        So sorry to hear about your loss, I may have known that, but if so, I clearly blotted it from my memory.

      • nicoleandmaggie Says:

        (Many) OBs drive me nuts. RE, OTOH, seem to be more up on the research.

        People who haven’t had a major health problem wonder why I have so little faith in doctors. Folks who have tend to understand completely (and have their own stories).

      • bogart Says:

        Oh, yes. And honestly, not all (not even most) REs get a total pass from me.

        As a childhood fan of the original Star Trek who’s had considerable experience with doctors (and vets! er, not for my own body), I make no apologies (nor do I hide) the fact that I think the show had it about right in those episodes where they’d end up back in the 20th century, someone would get treated (by a 20th century doctor) for some problem, and Bones would shake his head: “20th century medicine: so primitive.” I mean no offense in making the observation, but it’s true (not the doctors’ fault, but true). And don’t even get me started on evidence-based medicine.

  5. Cloud Says:

    If we’d had a boy either time, his name was going to be Alistair. (It is surprisingly hard to find boys names that sound good to both an American and a Kiwi. For example, did you know that a Kiwi will think a boy named Clive will get beat up?)

    Good luck with trying for #2. Despite the extra years of crap sleep and all the crap that comes with little babies, I’m glad we had a second.

    No way I want a third, though.

  6. oilandgarlic Says:

    Is private school the only option? I agree with the other commenter that it is possible to raise a family on one or lower income ($50,000 or less?) and even swing daycare/nanny for a few years but years of private school + college might not be possible with 2 kids. I haven’t figured it out at all for myself yet as I live in a HCOLA area, but for us the compromise is definitely no private school and no house either(!)

  7. becky Says:

    I had the severe NVP that you had with my first, puking lasting 6 months. Have you tried Diclectin? I worked with the folks that developed it at a major children’s hospital here in Canada. It is not covered by most of our Canadian plans so it is pricey at about $100 for a month’s supply. But it is safe and it really works – the only side effect is grogginess. It made my life a lot better.
    Check out motherisk, they are really fabulous.

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Interesting, thanks.

      My morning sickness went away just as soon as I picked up a prescription from the doctor last time (did not take the prescription). I’m not sure why or what we did if anything.

  8. FrauTech Says:

    As a childfree by choice person, I’d have to agree with Linda here. I just don’t understand the drive. However, assuming you have good reasons (that you probably felt you didn’t have to articulate) than I’m not sure waiting would make much of a difference. People who wait for money to live their lives probably don’t find it worth it. Though personally, my biases as a non-maternal sort make me wonder at all the bending over backwards. But I’m assuming you’ve already done the mental calculations that this is something really want, and for good reason, so go for it!

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      Oh, I dunno. #1 the biological clock went off. #2 I’m more blase about. I’m neither excited nor dreading. Which is probably a good place to be for something that’s uncertain.

  9. GMP Says:

    I think it’s really brave of you to consider #2, having in mind all that it will likely entail (on top of the normal hardship of actually bringing up baby).
    Our first wasn’t planned, and if I had waited to feel like having it I probably would have ended up being much older that I was when I had him or wouldn’t have kids at all, because I was never crazy about kids before having them (actually I was scared of them, to be honest). But once I had one, I really wanted a second and then later a third (my husband was more blase about it; he doesn’t really like them until they are a year or so). But the pregnancy was much harder with each additional kid — e.g. much longer and more violent nausea and vomiting.

    As for the name, none of my kids have middle names ’cause it took us months each time to agree on the first name alone. My husband has this nasty quality where he contributes no name ideas, but simply vetoes everything I suggest. Makes picking out names really hard…

    • nicoleandmaggie Says:

      brave isn’t the word I’d use… one gets pretty good at the vomiting… though the thought of longer and more violent nausea and vomiting isn’t appealing

      Your husband stories make me sad. Surely he has some appealing qualities that keep you with him?

      • GMP Says:

        Oh, no worries, he’s a great guy and a great dad, I just disproportionately more bitch about him than praise him. The internet tends to bring out the whiny and bitchy in me. Plus, it’s not like I am without flaws myself.

  10. Should babies be banned in public? « Accountant by Day Says:

    […] This post inspired by GrumpyRumbling's post about considering a second child. […]

  11. MutantSupermodel Says:

    I always liked weird names for boys like Dante or Damien. Good for you whatever you end up deciding. I always sort of think letting mother nature take her course is best but she just has a knack for knocking me up… I love birth control.

    Oh I tagged you in a thingy. Do it. Even if you don’t do meme things. Do this one.


  12. hush Says:

    No, you are not at all crazy for getting started sooner rather than later. It’s good to keep time on your side, no? Your kids will be around 4-5 years apart, and your DH and DC are both on board right now, correct? That sounds pretty ideal. Get thee to the bedroom already! ;)

    If our second child had been a boy, we probably would have gone with either Elliot or Dean. You should check out the most recent edition of Laura Wattenberg’s “Baby Name Wizard” book and look up your DC’s name to see what sibling name suggestions she has. We found her book to be eerily spot-on, and a fun, dare I say borderline snarky read (i.e. if you like names like Jayden/Braydon/Caedyn… it’s not the book for you.) Wattenberg also blogs.

  13. Trish Says:

    Ooh, baby names! I am kinda tired of the new fangled Jayden, Braydon, etc. There are about 10 Madduxes walking around town, and in our circle we have a Laiken, a Laithen and a Nathan. I like the idea with going retro with an old name. Like Rex, which of course is latin for King. Or Linley. My all time favorite is a Scottish name, Tarquin. I think there was also a 5th century Roman ruler with that name. Or how about Guthrie, another Scottish type name. Just please skip Jaida if it is a girl. Because the rest of the girls in preschool will be named that. Ooh, ooh, how about Mookie? After baseball player Mookie Wilson? Okay, never mind.

  14. Comrade PhysioProf Says:

    Given how harsh all that puking and medical shitte is gonna be, plus the financial aspects, it sounds like if you are “neither excited nor dreading”, then why go through all that stuff?

  15. mom2boy Says:

    At the tail end of my 2ww and I sadly know what all those acronyms stand for… Happy you got DC #2 with much less angst.

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